The Number-One Reason Conflicts Do Not Resolve

As much as we’d all like to get along with everyone every day of our lives, it’s impossible. Conflict is foundational to human development and interwoven in all relationships. No one can see eye-to-eye all the time, which is why learning how to manage conflict is an essential life skill.

You might be feeling stressed about that fight you had with your sister-in-law or an office spat that just won’t resolve, but learning new techniques in conflict resolution can be empowering. While you cannot control others, you can improve your odds of success by learning about yourself, your triggers, and your level of reactivity.

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What you bring to the conflict conversation

How you approach a conflict conversation is the single best predictor of how it will end. Feeling wronged, hurt, angry, or even betrayed can really challenge emotional regulation and cast doubt on your feelings of self-worth. Whether the conflict is between friends, colleagues, or lovers, when emotions run hot, self-control starts to slip.

Unfortunately, conflict makes most people uncomfortable, so much so that it can destabilize a relationship. The degree of conflict can result from small or larger offenses, extending from disagreements to arguments, devolving from quarrels into feuds. No one wants to be engaged in conflict, but, at the same time, no one wants to be wronged or suffer mistreatment unrelieved.

“What she said about him was cruel.”

“What he proposed was stupid. It will hurt the company—cost the employees.”

“What she failed to do as a friend is just wrong.”

You’ve got to settle yourself before you can be strategic.

“Conflict competence” is the ability to use emotional, cognitive, and behavioral skills to increase the likelihood of productive outcomes of conflict, to decrease escalation, and to avoid harm. The most critical, foundational skill is emotional regulation. In other words, keep calm and carry on.

The number-one reason conflicts do not resolve is because people have trouble settling their emotions before the conversation. If you’ve been insulted or emotionally injured, getting your brain and body out of its “fight-or-flight” state is not easy.

1. Focusing on the “self,” not the other, is key.

When feelings are hurt or people get angry, individuals tend to focus on the “other person,” the perceived wrongdoer, and on the unfairness of the action or injury inflicted on them, their organization, or cause. Better to focus on yourself and an assessment of your capacity to adapt and manage a difficult situation.

2. Identify your particular conflict style.

There are a number of styles and tendencies that people can use.

• Avoiding (non-confrontational approach)
• Accommodating (giving-in approach)
• Compromising (middle-ground approach)
• Collaborating (something-for-everyone approach)
• Competing (authoritarian approach)

Knowing your style helps you plan your strategy when dealing with a difficult conversation.

3. Know what triggers you.

Not everyone is set off by the same things. For example, some are triggered by

• The person who dominates the conversation in a meeting
• The boss whose tone when he offers feedback makes you bristle
• The employee who misses deadlines but produces excellent work
• The spouse who repeatedly teases on sensitive topics

Triggers upset us at our core. If we know what sets off these alarms, we can more easily avoid emotional, conflict-sparking reactions.

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4. Assess your level of reactivity

How you “come to the table” predicts how you will likely leave the engagement. Angry, critical, and wronged people come ready for a fight, while well-regulated, thoughtful, and reflective people come ready to work things out. Reactivity invites behaviors that harden positions and, in the end, make resolutions less likely.

Figure out your reactivity quotient (RQ) by working through the following list. Rank yourself from 1 to 5, with 5 being high and 1 being low in terms of the conflict situations you are currently facing. Are you:

• Hardened in your position?
• Feeling sensitive to insult or argument?
• Wanting to punish or criticize the other?
• Defensive about what you did or didn’t do?
• Struggling to forgive or forget?
• Obsessing about the “unfairness” of their treatment of you?
• Unable to see the other’s position?
• Needing to be right?
• Ruminating about points to make in an argument?
• Feeling intense anger at the other person?
• Believing you are totally in the right?
• Being unable to tolerate criticism of yourself?
• Lacking sympathy for the other?
• Feeling vulnerable or easily threatened?

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If you answered any of these questions at high intensity (rating 4 or 5), you may not be ready to engage in a conflict conversation.

If you answered most of these questions at low intensity (rating of 1 or 2), then it may be time to schedule a conflict conversation. Remember that low scores indicate your ability to manage your emotions in such a way as to be helpful to yourself, the other person, and the process of resolution.

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Emotional steadiness and psychological distance allow a person to meet in the middle, accept imperfections and mistakes, work productively toward resolution, and restore the emotional connection.

5. Use specific strategies that encourage successful conflict resolution

If you want to take advantage of the numerous strategies that help resolve conflict, you must keep reason—not emotion—in the driver’s seat. This allows you to clear your head enough to build a repertoire of specific skills for dealing with conflict.

Here is a list of strategies that increase the odds of successful resolution:

• Raise the conflict issues thoughtfully and kindly.
• Share warmth and concern, not anger or upset.
• Engage in active listening.
• Show empathy.
• Do not shame or blame others.
• Acknowledge your part in the problem (i.e., take responsibility).
• Accept criticism of yourself.
• Appreciate the other’s point of view or perspective.
• Demonstrate that you understand the other side of the situation.
• Do not insist on winning every skirmish.
• Demonstrate a capacity for compromise.
• Be able to find the middle ground.
• Recognize and appreciate the other’s true talents and skills.

If you’ve been able to emotionally regulate and strengthen your self-concept, it’s time to take steps toward repair by engaging in a conflict conversation.

Research suggests that those who possess self-knowledge and master a broad range of conflict management competencies have the best outcomes, the fewest disputed issues, and the most satisfying relationships.

Whether you are settled enough emotionally to actually employ the recommended strategies to successfully resolve the conflict is the threshold question. Are you calm enough to make the most of a conflict conversation? It’s not wise to engage until you are.