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“What about physical admiration that doesn’t have an agenda?” asked a friend. She’d read my discussions of flirtation and seduction and thought I’d missed a possibility for male/female interaction distinct from both of those.
“You mean like erotic admiration? Where you notice what’s sexually attractive about someone and find pleasure in those features? But, even if you tell him about it, you aren’t angling for reciprocal compliments or escalation?” I asked.
“Yah, sort of, but ‘erotic’ doesn’t seem like the right word. Too loaded. It’s not about a turn-on or a tease.” My contentedly married friend then went on to describe a particular example of how this worked out in her own life.
Despite my friend’s qualms about the term “erotic admiration,” what she was talking about is different than physical admiration. I physically admire many people I’ve watched in the 2012 Summer Olympics. But this admiration is about athleticism, discipline, extraordinary levels of excellence. There’s no pull or spark; my ideals concerning the opposite sex are irrelevant. In contrast to physical admiration, erotic admiration is more like the “disinterested interest” discussed by philosophers of art. The idea is that there is a pull, a desire, but that it doesn’t lead in the direction of grasping or acquiring. It’s not self-interested. Though it involves attraction, it's not about “I want that;” it’s about “I’m glad this exists.”
Untitled photo by Martina Lombardo
Why is erotic admiration valuable? Because being on the receiving end of erotic admiration is beneficial. Ronald E. Riggio has written about the benefits of being the recipient of sexual interest. In "How Men Increase Women's Sexual Attractiveness" he summarizes a study that shows that women who are being interacted with in ways that convey that men find them attractive display more poise and warmth. Perhaps this "Pygmalion Effect" also works on men who receive erotic admiration.
A second benefit of erotic admiration is that it allows men and women to be friends without trying to be asexual. Erotic admiration prevents inter-gender friendships from morphing into romantic entanglements without the friends pretending to be genderless.
Can this attitude be indulged, even cultivated, between men and women without lapsing into “Wow, what a hottie”? Only if erotic admiration isn't confused with flirtation, sexual objectification, sexual harassment, and seduction. Here’s a quick primer: Subjecting someone to sexual advances knowing that such interest is unwelcome, treats them as a sex object and, if repeated, constitutes sexual harassment. Flirtation is looking for reciprocation; it issues an invitation and leaves its acceptance up to the other person. If there are clear signs that sexual interest is not reciprocated, someone who is flirting backs off. [See "Flirtation, Ambiguity and Suspense".] In contrast, seduction sets out to get a “yes” whether or not sex compromises the values, welfare and sexual autonomy of the seduced. [See "Don't Be Seduced! Six Crucial Warning Signs").] Oglers and harassers don’t even care about a “yes.” They often get a thrill by imposing their attentions on those who want them to go away.
