How to Survive Mother’s Day When Your Mom Is Gone

This Sunday, millions of Americans will celebrate their mothers with festive brunches, colorful flowers, handmade cards, lively phone or Zoom calls and the inevitable squabbles that happen at family get-togethers.

Grateful sons and daughters have been celebrating Mother’s Day since May 9, 1914, when President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the day as an annual tribute to the women who have loved, nurtured, scolded, and supported us.

But for the millions of Americans whose moms have died, Mother’s Day may be a bittersweet combination of fading memories and poignant musings about what “could have been” if our mothers were still alive today.

Mother's Day can be difficult when your mother has died.

Source: Simona/AdobeStock

Losing a mother is an exception rather than the rule for young and middle-aged adults. Just 17 percent of 30-year-olds have lost their mother. By age 50, this statistic is about 50 percent. While motherless adults are relatively few, their paths to loss vary widely.

Some have lost their mothers suddenly and unexpectedly to a brain aneurysm, stroke, car accident, or, even more tragically, to suicide or murder. Over the past four years, many have lost their mothers to COVID-19 and were robbed of final moments together due to quarantine or social distancing practices.

For most, though, death comes at the end of a long struggle with chronic illness. Some watched their mothers valiantly struggle with the painful side effects of chemotherapy before succumbing to cancer. Some said goodbye to their mothers months if not years before her death, as they watched their mom’s wit, intelligence, or eloquence fade with the progression of Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias. Others watched their mothers fight for every breath as they battled the final stages of lung disease.

Whether a mother’s death came suddenly (and unexpectedly) or slowly (and expectedly), it’s never easy, although the sharp pangs of sadness fade with time. Still, surviving Mother’s Day can be difficult, especially when TV ads implore us to buy Mom a heart-shaped pendant, and our social media feeds are filled with photos of friends enjoying a special celebration with their mom.

So, how do you survive Mother’s Day when your mom has passed away?

Appreciate the good things in life that would make your mom happy (and fix those things that wouldn’t).

Parents want their children to be happy, secure, and loved, even if they’re no longer around to check up on us. Mother’s Day is the ideal time to take stock of all the things in your life that would make your mom happy—your supportive marriage, exciting career, rewarding hobbies, and well-adjusted children. Knowing that Mom would be happy with your choices can be a source of solace and connectedness.

At the same time, recognizing what’s going poorly might prompt life changes. How would your mom react if she knew that your romantic partner was unkind or unfaithful? Or that your overbearing boss undermined your confidence? Or that you ignored a nagging health symptom rather than getting it checked by a doctor? Knowing that your mom would want the best for you may trigger healthy and necessary changes.

Reach out to your siblings: Your mom would be pleased.

The one thing I’ve learned as both a bereavement researcher and as an adult whose parents died before their time is that parents want to know that their children will still be close when they’re no longer around.

Get together with your siblings, whether in person or via Zoom. If the miles are separating you, you can all order your mom’s favorite dish and enjoy a virtual dinner together. Or use Mother’s Day as a time to plan a summer outing where all the siblings get together. Life gets busy, and it’s hard to squeeze in time for siblings, but you’ll be glad you did. And your mom would be, too.

Celebrate the other moms in your life.

Most of us have mother-like figures in our lives whom we cherish. On Mother’s Day, extend gratitude and appreciation to the aunt, mother-in-law, stepmom, older sister, or mentor who helped you become who you are today.

Remember that Mother’s Day is just a day, but your mom stays with you for life.

Mother’s Day comes just once a year, but our mothers’ memories are always with us. For most of us, a day doesn’t go by when we don’t think of our late mothers, if even for a moment. Remembering to phone (or text) a loved one after a trip, just to let them know we “made it home alive.” A fondness for Jeopardy! The deeply held belief that a chicken dinner can cure all ills. That’s not just us—that’s our moms.

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We’re not clinging to the past or failing to move forward when we think or talk about a parent who has died. Bereavement researchers emphasize the importance of “continuing bonds” with our loved ones who have died. Thinking about how they might advise us when faced with a challenge or beaming over how proud they would have been of our latest accomplishment are mental exercises that can make us feel better and connect us to the past in healthy ways year-round.

Support a cause or take up an activity that was important to your mom.

One of the most rewarding ways to celebrate a late mother is by helping to uphold some of her goals or hobbies. Was your mother an activist who fought for women’s rights in the 1960s? If so, donate to Planned Parenthood or another organization that she cared about deeply. Was she a green thumb? If so, try gardening or volunteer at a community garden plot.

If she was a talented painter or photographer, find ways to frame her art and share it with family members. By reading a novel by her favorite author, rooting for her favorite sports team, or listening to her favorite musician, your horizons will expand in the process.

Introduce your mom to the youngest generation.

One of the saddest parts of losing a parent (especially at a young age) is knowing that their grandchildren won’t ever meet them. Talking to your children or nieces and nephews about who your mom was and the traits of your mom that live on within them can be a wonderful source of family connection.

Is your child named for your late mom? Do you notice talents or amusing mannerisms in your child that make them the spitting image of their late grandmother? Tell them about her and help paint a vivid portrait of Grandma; they will feel a special bond even if they’ve never met.

And how can you support friends whose moms have passed away?

Ask questions about her.

We’re often hesitant to ask our friends and family members about loved ones who have died. We worry that we’ll trigger sad memories. Nothing could be further from the truth. Bereaved people are eager to talk about their deceased relatives and genuinely appreciate the opportunity to share stories. They want to recall their memories, tell funny anecdotes, or even recount the details of her death—trying to make sense of what happened on that fateful day.

Survivors have few opportunities to talk about their loved ones who have passed; they’re afraid that they’ll be a downer at a party or that it seems like they’re clinging to a ghost from the past. Providing an opportunity to talk about the moms who are no longer with us can be cathartic for the survivor.

Share your stories and memories.

Children love hearing stories and discovering what their parents were like when they were young. We pore over old family photos and chuckle at the hairstyles in old high school yearbook portraits because we desperately want to know, “Who was Mom before she was my mom?”

If you have stories or memories of your friend’s late mom, share them! An entertaining new tidbit or never-before-seen photo may be the best gift you can give your friend—a new glimpse into the woman who made them who they are today.