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Key points
- Many anxious people do not realize how they respond to their anxiety; self-judgment makes it worse.
- When we meet anxiety with judgment, it amplifies the experience and prevents meaningful examination and action.
- Compassionate curiosity is a more effective and productive tool to work through anxiety.
By the time many of my clients get to therapy, they have tried everything to address their anxiety. They have ignored it. Numbed it. Stuffed it down. Used gratitude. Reminded themselves that others have it worse. Shamed themselves. Blamed themselves. Bullied themselves. Nothing works!
And not only has the anxiety continued, their attempts to fix it only led them to now feel worse by creating an adversarial relationship to their anxiety. They judge themselves for failing to control their anxious thoughts or not being "strong enough." The more they judge, the worse their anxiety gets and the worse they feel about themselves.
And so shifting the relationship with anxiety becomes the first treatment step. How do we do? With compassionate curiosity.
Anxious Thoughts Laced with Judgment
Imagine a person who feels a crippling wave of anxiety. Their thoughts spiral, their heart ramps up, and their head starts to hurt. Those who approach their anxiety with judgment may say things to themselves like, “Ugh, not again. What the fuck is this? Why can’t I just be ok?" And "why can’t I just manage this anxiety? I should have more control over this by now." Or, "My life is so good I have no right to feel this way. Get it together already!” These statements blame and shame the sufferer for their experience. The judgment adds pain and fails to address the anxiety itself.
Anxious Thoughts Laced With Compassionate Curiosity
Now imagine the same scenario, except the sufferer meets their anxiety with compassionate curiosity this time. They may say something like, “Whew. Here’s the anxiety again. I wonder what this is about. Did something spark this, or is it random?” And “Ok, I feel the anxiety. Where do I feel that in my body… hmm… it’s giving me a headache, and a stomach ache. It feels totally overwhelming.” And “Ok, what do I need right now? I’m going to sit with it for a moment. Maybe I need a walk or to call a friend." And finally, "Is it trying to tell me something? Is this part of a pattern? ”
In this second scenario, the anxious person approaches themselves gently instead of fueling the anxiety by dousing it in shame and anger. Notice how much kinder and gentler the second scenario sounds. It’s like a dear friend checking in and trying to figure out what’s going on. Instead of adding to the mental and emotional noise, it creates space. The questions focus on the experience rather than the audacity of the self for having the experience.
And guess what. Compassionate curiosity not only prevents a person from compounding their anxious thoughts with feelings of failure but also sets the stage for productively addressing anxious thoughts. Not drowning in anger and shame allows one to identify what is happening, learn where anxiety lives in the body, think about its triggers, and check in with their needs.
For my clients, the biggest barrier to using compassionate curiosity is the fear that it'll spiral out of control if they stop judging their anxiety harshly. They believe that self-judgment and harshness control anxiety levels. It doesn't. In reality, when we meet anxiety with judgment, it amplifies the experience and prevents meaningful examination and action.
With time and this approach, people can build a gentler relationship with themselves, offering a much less fraught journey to addressing anxiety. They can start noticing what things trigger their anxiety and pre-empt them. They can see the anxiety more clearly. Learn new coping skills. And the symptoms can finally begin to subside.
