15 Ways to Build Your Confidence

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We aren’t born with confidence; we cultivate it over time. There are factors that contribute to it and directly take away from it. Socio-cultural and familial constructs communicate subliminally and overtly about who we are and how we’re expected to be. How we navigate our relationships and how successful we perceive ourselves to be in all realms of life also impacts our self-concept. The degree to which we acquire self-efficacy, self-love, and self-compassion are further factors that contribute to our overall confidence.

Our Values

I frequently ask patients to consider the following, “Is this behavior or action going to contribute to my confidence or take away from it?” Pondering this question helps to establish whether or not a particular decision is guided by intrinsic formative values.

Decisions that are guided by fundamental values are often more effectively processed. There’s increased consideration as to the possible conflicting values that are causing decision-making to be challenging, and there tends to be less residual negative emotions that get evoked such as regret, guilt, and shame. Proactively and mindfully making sound decisions greatly impacts our confidence.

Throughout our development, confidence is to be built upon, fortified, and integrated. There are significant ways to focus and directly work on it.

15 Ways to Build Your Confidence

1. Notice, observe, and show compassion to your inner protector. We all have inner protectors. It’s the part that desperately wants to protect you from discomfort and perceived “danger.” In an effort to avoid conflict, rejection, and negative emotions (among other things), it can deter you from setting boundaries, asserting and expressing your needs, and acting in an empowered way because of perceptions regarding your worthiness.
2. Avoid putting yourself in a position of victimhood. There are many ways in which you may do this without ever realizing it. Some examples include falling into the comparison trap and ostensibly evaluating yourself as less than, surmising that you’re the only one that ever went through what you did, and generally acting from a passive place (e.g., operating out of helplessness and dependency, expecting others should read your mind).
3. Celebrate all moments you lean into your values. All wins are wins. If you take the time and put concerted effort into leaning into being your best self, those are ideal circumstances to be acknowledged, validated, and celebrated. You’re making the choice to enhance yourself; you deserve that recognition. Your confidence, inspiration, and motivation will undoubtedly benefit from it.
4. Slow down. Creating space for contemplating, grounding, and re-regulating your emotions is critical. It leads to less perseverating, spiraling, and making impulsive, mindless decisions. Take the time to learn and practice mindfulness. You can invite mind-body techniques and exercises into your daily practice. Expanding your mindfulness and present-moment awareness has been proven to increase personal health, mental health, and general well-being.
5. Look within, rather than outside of yourself. Increasing confidence is an inside job. Don’t rely on others for confidence building; take personal strides toward creating a life you're proud of and satisfied with. In your relationships, practice being less controlling and heavy-handedly attached to expectations and outcomes. Also work on avoiding allowing other’s actions to usurp power over your mood and actions.
6. Be accepting of all thoughts, feelings, and body sensations no matter what. You can’t control thoughts, feelings, and body sensations—just the actions you choose to take. All are welcome because they inform and remind you what’s important to you. They’re a direct portal to your values and highlight how wonderfully multidimensional you are. Your hurt, fear, and anger are just as humanly poignant and important as your joy and contentment. Take pride in the many facets of you.
7. Embrace your humanness. You, like me and everyone else, have imperfections. You are more likely to accept these imperfect parts if you get familiar with, understand, and appreciate all that makes you imperfect. These parts also contribute to what makes you incredible. Your perfectionism lends to your conscientiousness, your hypervigilance lends to your thoughtfulness, etc. Practicing self-compassion will assist you in recognizing when you’re trying your very best despite your human challenges.
8. Never give up. Mistakes are lessons, not failures. Every circumstance helps you to learn more about yourself and what you want more or less of. It gets you closer to living the life you want. If you don’t get it right the first time with plan A, go to plan B. Go through the whole alphabet if you need to, until you find what you’re looking for.
9. Make and take the time for you. Accept that all things worthy require your time, energy, persistence, and continual practice. This includes moments of self-care, nurturance, and self-compassion. Treat yourself as if you’re the most important and special person you know.
10. Trust in yourself. Trusting yourself includes making decisions independently and unilaterally without having to check in, second-guessing yourself, and needing constant reassurance from others. The more you do, the more you prove to yourself that you’re capable and have the capacity to do what you set your mind to.
11. Build strength in your inner and outer worlds. Your inner and outer worlds make up the whole of you. Being focused, organized, and thoughtful impacts the way you approach the setting in which you live, how you treat your body, and the way in which you connect in your relationships. Having balance and peace in you and surrounding you will make you feel better about walking into your life each day.
12. Be willing. Willingness is pivotal. In a state of willingness, you’ll be more flexible and expansive and will avoid the pitfalls of denial, avoidance, protectiveness, and disconnection that can often lead to stagnation. Rather than excuses, rationalizations, and illusions of work, you’ll approach your life more fully and openly.
13. Continually challenge yourself and take risks. Growth is developed through challenging yourself to do hard things. It helps to grow your resilience, coping skills, and self-efficacy. The more you put yourself out there, the more you’ll prove that your preconceived notions, narratives, and false beliefs aren’t absolutes and can ultimately change with new corrective experiences.
14. Don’t take things personally. I remind my patients that hurt people hurt others and that people don’t trigger you, you get triggered. It reminds you that you need to give up your insistence to control and understand that people's behavior is typically a reflection of where they're at, rather than based on something you said or did.
15. Cultivate a healthy inner circle. Being surrounded by healthy people and relationships directly reflects how you think, feel, and act toward yourself. The way you’re treated and treat others is an indication of where you’re at in your personal development and self-growth.

Proactively take the steps to increase your confidence so that life’s more meaningful and fulfilling. The choice is up to you—stay where you’re at or thrust forward with greater personal power.

My book, ACE Your Life: Unleash Your Best Self and Live the Life You Want, discusses how to build your confidence through a method inclusive of acceptance, compassion, and empowerment.

To cultivate greater self-confidence, listen to this loving kindness guided meditation led by me.