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Resentment has a bad reputation because it can be so corrosive to ourselves and to our relationships. It has been called “a number one offender” by 12-step programs, identifying it as a major precursor for relapse and emphasizing just how destructive it can be. Resentment can also lead to tense muscles, stomach upset, pain, and disease. Hanging onto it can cause self-harm, but dismissing resentment entirely may not be the best approach either. Instead, we might want to take a closer look at the wisdom that feelings of resentment may have to offer. Moving on too quickly from resentment might cause us to overlook important messages about power imbalances or actions needed to resolve underlying issues.
Here are five questions to work with resentment and use its wisdom for good.
Step 1: What is it that you're harboring? Identify and inquire. In short, don't resent resentment. Take a closer look and be curious about it, trusting that every emotion carries its own inherent wisdom. Often, if it has been harbored for a long time, it may have grown rather than diminished, but it is not too late to allow it to guide you to something meaningful. By taking a fresh look at resentment, a boundary violation may be uncovered that needs to be addressed or an imbalance in a relationship that seeks rebalancing. If we look at the reality of the situation, new insights may be uncovered to expose where we've been betrayed or trespassed upon.
Step 2: What does resentment feel like physically? Locate the very real feeling of resentment in your body. Feel what tightens or rises within you and how precisely you experience it. Notice how it ebbs and flows. Observe how it expands and shifts.
Step 3: What else resides beneath resentment? As you take a closer look and sit with the discomfort of resentment, notice what more tender emotions it may be protecting. What are the origins of this feeling? What specifically about it feels so rotten or unfair? Notice the other emotions that lie beneath resentment: fear of being taken advantage of, sadness about not being appreciated, or grief about missed opportunities. Go a level deeper and trace it to its origin.
Step 4: What is your role in the imbalance? Observe how you have participated in the dynamic without self-blame or shame, just more curiosity. If you've been bending over backwards for your boss, partner, or friend, and feel underappreciated or dismissed, take responsibility for your part in the dynamic. This is a key step in seeking the change that you desire. Where or how did you betray yourself? Where did you learn to be in this type of unbalanced relationship? What perpetuated this pattern to continue for so long?
Step 5: What resolution would you like for the situation? Resentment can simmer for so long it can be difficult to put words to it, but it may be time to speak to it directly and calmly. If the relationship is important to you, communication about how you feel is likely overdue. What needs to be expressed? Are you ready to tell the truth from your perspective, from a place of love? Seek support in this conversation as needed.
