How Do I Get My Picky Eater to Try New Foods?

I’ve been working with families with picky eaters for about 15 years, but I also brought up two picky eaters as a mom, so I can empathize with any parent struggling with this issue. Let’s deep dive into what picky eating is and what can be done about it at home.

Caveat: if your child is severely underweight (consult your pediatrician for their guideline on this) or is rapidly losing weight, please seek medical supervision/attention for this issue and don’t rely on my recommendations alone.

What is picky eating?

Picky eating is a spectrum from mild food preferences and restrictions to severe selective eating that causes weight loss and possible malnutrition that we now classify as a form of an eating disorder called avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID).

Many children go through phases of picky eating around the ages of 2 to 5, and this typically resolves by the time they enter kindergarten. However, some children will get “stuck” requesting the same foods over and over and eating smaller and smaller amounts over time, often refusing to eat unless certain conditions are met for their meals. I have worked with children who eat only McDonald's chicken nuggets for lunch and fries in front of TV for dinner and other similar restrictions. Often parents are unaware of the problem for some time until the child is noticed to have lost weight or there are significant demands suddenly placed on the parent.

What causes picky eating?

• A mental health disorder in a child, most likely an anxiety disorder related to eating. Other disorders may include autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, developmental delays, and behavioral disorders.
• Sensory sensitivities your child was born with, particular preferences and sensitivities to certain tastes, textures, or smells.
• History of negative experiences with food: gastrointestinal (GI) issues, gagging, vomiting. Often children who have had a bad bout of a stomach virus will develop a fear of vomiting and will restrict eating to liquid foods or soft foods.
• Early feeding difficulties due to medical issues.
• Parental/family pressure to eat certain foods or certain amounts at certain times.
• Parental anxiety about introducing chunky foods to infants.

Is it a problem? I know so many picky eaters and they are just fine.

Yes, your child may be at risk for nutritional deficiency of iron, zinc, protein, fiber, and other important nutrients and vitamins. The most extreme form of picky eating, ARFID, leads to severe malnutrition and may require hospitalization. Please consult your pediatrician if your child is losing weight, is underweight, or has restricted intake to 10 foods or fewer.

Here are 5 tips for managing the problem at home.

1. Understand the issue.

Your child is struggling with anxiety about food. No matter what caused the picky eating initially, right now your child is basically anxious about food. Eating does not bring your child joy, new foods give them panic, and all the ways they have tried to eat have been to cope with that anxiety.

2. Take away the pressure.

Never force or bribe your child to eat. They need to make the choice to eat. You, as a parent, provide the food and the structure of meal times, but they decide what will go into their mouths. This is crucially important. This may be scary if your child is underweight, but, trust me, this is key from all the research that has been done on picky eating. When we remove the pressure, children begin to eat better.

3. Decrease food anxiety.

Take your child to a supermarket and let them touch produce and smell it. Name items. Compare sizes and colors and shapes. Take them to the deli and let them sample cheese and deli ham. Smell the fresh bread at the bakery. Look at pasta shapes. If you have access to a farmer’s market, it’s a wonderful place to experience food.

Engage your child in all cooking (not stove top or oven unless it’s a teen). They can help wash produce, slice items with a plastic knife, arrange items on plates, pour things in bowls, mix ingredients, and measure. Talk about how everything smells, looks, and feels.

4. Make a big change to how you serve meals.

What we recommend for families of picky eaters is to switch how they have been serving meals. The usual method of feeding a picky eater is making them a separate plate, feeding them alone while the rest of the family eats a different meal at a different time. This is due to continuing struggles and everyone’s anxiety about the picky eater’s food intake.

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What I suggest is starting something called family meals. Basically, your child should eat at least two or three meals a day with family members. This is because a child who eats with family is less anxious. (If they are more anxious when you are around then you can seek a consultation with a psychologist.)

This means I am asking you not to just sit in the general vicinity of your child, but to actually sit down and consume the same food as your child. No, this doesn’t mean you will be eating chicken nuggets. Instead, you will be preparing a family-style meal or snack.

A family-style meal is three to five dishes, served in the middle of the table and passed around to each family member sitting at the table. Alternatively, these can be served buffet-style, such as on a kitchen island, and children can serve themselves.

At least one dish must be your picky child’s favorite food. The rest is everyone else’s favorite food or whatever you have on hand. That means a plate of bread counts as a dish, a plate of salad counts as a dish, a plate of carrots counts, etc.

Your picky child (and everyone else at the table) will take a serving of each dish passed to them. If your child really can’t stand the smell/texture/appearance of a particular food, they are allowed to have this food on a separate plate, but it could still be next to them.

You should encourage your child to serve the food themselves unless they have a disability.

Your child does not have to eat the food. Remember, it’s their choice to eat.

5. Have some rules around eating.

Your child ages 2 to 6 should eat about every 2.5 hours. The family meal time should be about 30 minutes long. If your child did not eat anything (it was their choice), then the next time they eat is at the next meal. That means no grazing in between. Children learn this within a day or two and begin eating at meals.

No TV or electronics during meals ever. However, we can allow small children to have a toy with them if it’s not too distracting.

I generally don’t recommend requiring children to sit in a chair or use table manners if they are picky eaters. I just want them to participate in eating. If they are standing or wiggling or being messy, I don’t care. It’s perfectly acceptable to eat with fingers and hands and make a mess.

No two meals should be repeated. That means, if your child had pancakes for breakfast on Monday, they can’t have pancakes again for lunch on Monday. They also can’t have pancakes again on Tuesday for breakfast. No two of the same breakfasts in a row and no two of the same meals in a day.

As you work through these tips and make these changes, please be patient. The process of helping a picky eater takes one to two years. It takes a picky eater 40 to 60 exposures to a new food before they accept it. It is a big family effort, with everyone, even grandma, needing to get on board.

If you try these tips for three months and your child is not improving or is losing weight, please consult your pediatrician for a referral to a professional specializing in treating picky eaters.