Matching Feelings, Attitudes, and Values

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves.” —Carl Jung

We all have qualities, behaviors, habits, or tendencies we don’t like. We try not to think about them. We’re often unaware of them. A sure way to discover and improve them is to infer them from what irritates us about others.

If you’re intolerant of selfish people, try to appreciate other people’s perspectives.

If offended by close-minded people, be more open-minded.

If irritated by resentful people, be more compassionate.

If irritated by pessimistic people, be more optimistic.

If impatient with judgmental people, be less judgmental.

If complainers seem insufferable, be more improvement and solution-oriented.

If testy around stubborn people, be more cooperative.

If you can’t stand to be interrupted, become a better listener.

If egotists, braggarts, or self-promoters get under your skin, be humbler.

If you can’t take rigid people, be more flexible.

If intolerant of jealous or envious people, be more appreciative and trusting.

If agitated by disrespectful people, be more respectful.

If stingy people trigger you, be more generous.

If you’re intolerant of mean people, be kinder.

If you abhor abusive people, be compassionate to loved ones.

Attitudes Consolidate Judgments

“The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.” —William James

First, let’s distinguish attitudes from impression-management. Attitudes are sets of feelings, beliefs, and behaviors, especially toward particular objects, persons, or events. Impression-management is an attempt to control how others perceive us by displaying false, inauthentic, or misleading attitudes. Authentic attitudes motivate and guide autopilot behavior, even when no one is looking.

Attitudes reflect values or lack thereof. For example, with an attitude of connection, partners feel connected when they’re apart and when they disagree. Optimistic attitudes make us try to improve situations, rather than complain about them. An attitude of fairness makes us strive to be fair. With an attitude of equality, all people deserve respect and fair treatment.

Examples of negative attitudes:

• Resentful
• Entitled
• Demanding
• Superior/inferior.

To improve behavior and well-being over the long run, practice altering attitudes instead of temporary feelings. For example, a resentful attitude can be replaced with an attitude of connection, and entitlement can be replaced with an attitude of fairness.

Superior and inferior attitudes are opposite sides of the same coin, as the former is usually an adaptation to the latter. They can be replaced by an attitude of equality. A demanding attitude can be replaced with an attitude of compassionate assertiveness, that is, standing up for your rights, opinions, and preferences, while respecting the rights, opinions, and preferences of others.

When our attitudes match our deeper values, life is good.