When Needing to Appear Good Can Lead to Self-Sabotage

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Helping people become better versions of themselves is part of being a clinical psychologist. After all, wanting to be a good person is beneficial for mental health and also something our world needs more of.

When taken to an extreme, however, wanting to be a good person might morph into a need to be seen as one. This can be too much of a good thing, like dumping twice the amount of baking soda into cupcake batter than the recipe calls for (a mistake I made that ended in a bitter mess).

When my clients struggle with their need to be recognized for good intentions, I tell them that I have the same problem. Like when a friend shared bad news in a group chat and I reached out to her privately instead of commenting in the chat like everyone else. It just seemed like the right thing to do. But then, when I thought about it, I wondered if the others would think that I had coldly remained silent.

The need to be seen as good can also blind us from understanding that others’ needs are different than our own. Recently, I was on the receiving end of this when a friend thought she was saving me by urging me not to move away from our town for a job opportunity. She simply didn’t understand how important that opportunity was for me.

Other examples come from my clients:

Harry is bothered by a co-worker who repeatedly coughs without covering her mouth. He politely asks her to cover her mouth, and she looks embarrassed. Harry feels guilty, doubting whether he did the right thing by redirecting her.

Sally is not in love with her partner, but refuses to leave him. After all, he does nice things for her, so what kind of person would she be if she broke his heart?

Kate is frustrated that her friend, Paige, keeps refusing gifts from her even though she gave Kate several gifts for her birthday. Why does Paige get to look like the generous one?

These client stories (I changed their names and other details to maintain confidentiality) show that the need to be seen as a good person engenders feelings that might make it harder to be kind and compassionate. Harry grows resentful when he feels he can’t control whether he gets showered with his co-worker’s germs. Sally resents being with a guy she doesn’t love. Kate holds a grudge against her friend for looking more altruistic.

According to Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT), resentment and holding onto grudges can contribute to bitterness, a mood state that gets in the way of happiness, gratitude, and feeling connected with others.

Ironically, needing to be seen as a good person hurts your relationships with the very people you are trying to act virtuous towards, as well as damaging your mental health. Identifying the following features of this thinking trap can prevent you from falling further into it:

1. Getting stuck on the people-pleasing merry-go-round. The danger here is using others’ emotions as a yardstick for your virtue. For example, Harry questioned whether he did the right thing because his co-worker looked upset. In reality, you can set a boundary and also be sensitive to others’ emotions.
2. Compulsive do-gooding. This can take the form of needing to reciprocate others’ good deeds right away. It’s like needing to relieve an itch by evening the score. The problem is that this could lead to ignoring what the situation calls for or the needs that the other person’s behavior is communicating. This pitfall led Kate to miss Paige’s boundary-setting.
3. Fostering a never-good-enough mentality. You will never be good enough if you rely on others giving you recognition, and doing so will only worsen the bitterness that this kind of thinking inspires.

After providing ample reason to avoid needing to be seen as a good person, let me qualify my heed by noting that it is not entirely a bad thing. That is because it speaks to a larger psychological need for belonging. However, dulling the blade of this thinking pattern can help you feel more connected with others. Here are some suggestions:

1. Check the Facts. This is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill that entails separating emotional reactions from reality. For example, I distinguished my distress about others not seeing me reach out to my friend from the fact that they did not show any disdain towards me, and that my friend responded positively when I reached out to her.
2. Question whether you are unintentionally making demands. Sometimes, people intend to do good without realizing they are placing demands on the very people they want to support, such as Kate insisting that Paige accept her gifts. Not everyone finds it easy or appealing to allow themselves to be on the receiving end of good deeds. From the perspective of RO-DBT, contributing to others’ well-being without expecting anything in return enhances interpersonal kindness. Consider whether you are in a situation in which allowing someone to say “no” might be the kindest act you can show.
3. Consider whether you are in a toxic situation. It’s one thing for others to not recognize your good intentions. However, if you are being punished for not doing enough or for standing up for yourself, these might be red flags that you are in a toxic situation. You might want to address the problem with the person or distance yourself from them. Getting input from someone you trust can provide a helpful perspective on the situation.

Self-Sabotage Essential Reads

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Trying too hard to be seen as a good person can lead to self-sabotage. Ultimately, self-compassion will enable you to show the forgiving qualities we all crave in our relationships.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.