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I have three children — who will turn 43, 41, and 33 this quarter: a “boy” and two “girls.” All entered and graduated four-year colleges and now work in fields based on their academic competencies (one, after working for years in academic institutions, is now completing her Ph.D.).
Here is how they were able to achieve that goal, and my wife’s and my roles in the process, reflected in my books, Addiction-Proof Your Child, and, with child development specialist Zach Rhoads, Outgrowing Addiction.
Reading. We both read to them when they were young. I specialized in the classics: Treasure Island and Huckleberry Finn. All of them became great readers and, along with that, strong writers. One, the male, became an e-commerce manager, which involves much written communication. One woman is enrolled in a Ph.D. educational counseling program. The youngest is a professional writer for popular periodicals.
Achievement. My wife and I both held the children to high standards. We valued achievement, knowledge, and competence. We expected them to be peak performers in everything they did (all played sports, for instance, including soccer and diving). And we both helped them and held them to these standards. In the case of one of them, that meant planning on withdrawing him from an Ivy League university if he didn’t get his grade point average up (which he did); with another, it meant removing her from a campus where she partied too much after a semester to attend, and graduate, a state university.
Independence. Although we wielded a firm hand, we expected them to manage their own academic lives. Responsibility and consequences are essential components of independence. When one failed to register for classes within the required time frame, we told her she had to get a job while she prepared better for the following semester.
Purpose. All three developed their own specific academic and professional bents—which reflected (more or less) their lifelong predilections and skills: strategic symbolic manipulation, people planning and interactions, popular culture explorations and writing.
Mental health and addiction. None of our children entered rehab; all consumed psychoactive substances and still drink. We considered skill with intoxicants to be a necessary life skill. In addition, we refused to classify difficulties, delays and differences they encountered as lifelong conditions. This area of agreement was one of a number of key values that my wife and I shared.
Caveats
The world. Will this formula succeed in the contemporary world? Indeed, will this world continue to exist as we know it? That I can’t say. A lot has changed since the 1980s and '90s when my kids were growing up. But I believe these five steps (with adjustments) will form a firm foundation in any world children face.
Privilege. My children grew up in a privileged environment, in the sense that both my wife and I had graduate degrees, marketable skills, and earning power. We lived in a prosperous community. But we were far from the most privileged in this environment. Indeed, we valued our relatively hardscrabble lives and made sure our kids appreciated these values.
Unplanned events. I know families whose children encountered any of a number of untoward events. We know kids who died. We know kids who failed to launch, in some cases due to mental health and addiction issues. I obviously don’t have answers for all these things. But I do believe that establishing and sticking with fundamental values is the best way to avoid and to overcome such events.
Conclusion
Survival in a changing world, perhaps one that is increasingly treacherous and threatening, is a difficulty every human being faces. This includes ourselves (I am 75), involves facing mental health and addiction issues, and—perhaps most frighteningly—entails influencing our offspring. Once launched, however, lives must proceed. This has been one roadmap for doing so.
