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At a 12-step meeting for loved ones, someone said, “Actually I’m grateful for the alcoholic in my life, because I wouldn’t be in this program, which changed me for the good.” Back then I was a newcomer and thought that this person must be crazy. Who in her right mind would want the train wreck of addiction to be part of her life?
Years later, I’ve come to understand where that person was coming from. It’s best summed up in a quote from a Buddhist monk, Harming Sunim:
"As we experience adversity in our lives, we mature and become more understanding. Just remember that the person who has made your life difficult today could be an undercover teacher sent from above, tasked with your personal growth."
Don’t get me wrong: Like others, I’d rather that addiction was not part of my family. But given that it is, I’ve had to learn about the disease of addiction and how to best deal with it. And in that journey, I believe that I’ve changed for the better.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned.
1. Shut up and Listen
When my son was active in addiction, I spent a lot of time lecturing. We argued. Much yelling, crying, threats, bursts of anger, followed by stony silence. Now when confronted with a challenging situation, I tend to listen, not react or take the bait. “Let me think about it” goes a long way.
2. Cultivate Gratitude
I’ve come to appreciate the “tiny blessings of daily life.” Like the birds that alight at the feeder outside my kitchen window, settling into a good book, or meeting a friend at a local coffee shop.
3. Practice Patience
Definitely not my strong suit. But I’ve learned to cultivate patience through asking myself questions like, ”How important is this?” or reminding myself that “This too shall pass.”
4. Pitch Perfection
One of my favorite sayings in the 12-step literature is “progress not perfection." When I revert to negative and unhealthy thinking and behaviors, I remind myself that I’m not perfect and that I will try to do better the next time.
5. Shelve Self-Pity
Addiction shatters our hopes and dreams. Therefore, it’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves. So if you want to throw yourself a pity-party, go ahead. But keep it private, short, and then move on as quickly as you can. Self-pity stunts personal growth.
Other lessons learned: Think before you speak, take time outs when conversations become heated (phrases like “You might be right,” or “I need time to consider that” can help), contact a trusted friend during a crisis, avoid “what-if” scenarios, and, conversely, try not to dwell on the past. And perhaps the most valuable lesson for me has been to “keep my spoon in my own bowl,” which is another way of saying that I need to steer clear of my loved one’s affairs unless asked to do so.
None of this has been easy. At times, I regress into unhealthy behaviors. But I’ve become more accepting of myself and my loved one. Ironically that undercover teacher has been responsible for my personal growth.
