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Relationships
4 Rules for Navigating Interpersonal Conflicts
How to approach conflict and minimize hurt and harm in our relationships.
Posted April 18, 2023 Reviewed by Ekua Hagan
Key points
- Disagreements that devolve into blaming and shaming can cause long-term hurt and harm.
- Understanding how to navigate conflicts as they arise can help us build stronger, more authentic connections with others.
- Skillfully navigating conflict with someone else should involve giving the other person one's full attention and offering them compassion.
As human beings, we are social animals. Our relationships matter. Through our relationships with others, we learn and grow. We find connections and support. We share life’s ups and downs, celebrate our achievements, and share our burdens. But relationships also come with challenges. And the way we argue, clash, and work through our conflicts can have long-lasting effects.
Why conflicts arise
Interpersonal conflicts—even with the people we love and respect—are inevitable, and unavoidable, in even the healthiest of relationships. Even with the most agreeable and conflict-averse people in our lives. Some result from building resentments, and others arise seemingly out of the blue. Sometimes what we want for ourselves versus what someone wants for or from us causes conflict. Sometimes other people’s actions or words cause us to feel angry, disrespected, or misunderstood, or our actions or words trigger these feelings in them.
As uncomfortable and painful as conflicts may be, conflict avoidance is not always a healthy choice. In a 2021 Psychology Today post, author Kari Rusnak, MA, LPC, CMHC, explains: “Conflict avoidance creates much larger conflicts and creates more disconnected feelings in relationships.” Disagreements and arguments are perfectly normal and natural and can be of benefit, as they present us with opportunities to grow and deepen our connections and understanding of another person.
An understanding of how to navigate conflicts as they arise will help minimize hurt and harm and build stronger, more authentic connections with others.
Anger, hurt, and harm
When conflict shows up in a relationship, it can throw us off course. We can feel threatened, unsafe, unheard, or disrespected. These feelings can trigger anger—the flight aspect of the fight or freeze response. Anger is connected to frustration and exhaustion and a feeling someone or something is responsible for our suffering. Anger is often tied to past events or situations wherein we blame others, feel that poor choices were made, or resent or regret things that should have happened but did not. When we are angry, we often become defensive, and we’re quick to blame someone we perceive to have disrespected or hurt us.
From bad to worse
When we are angry, we can become entrenched in our positions. Arguments can quickly devolve into blaming, shaming, bringing up past hurts, or right fighting (the need to win, rather than show any sign of compromise). In the heat of an argument, we often accuse, blame, shame, and say hurtful things we immediately regret and that have a lasting negative impact.
Big reveals
We all have aspects of ourselves that are hidden from us: cognitive biases, unresolved issues, and challenges buried deep. The people we meet as we move through life hold up mirrors that reflect who we are to us. It’s your job to pay attention to what comes up during conflicts with others. What makes you feel less confident and self-assured? What is triggering your anger and resentment? What brings up the urge to defend yourself?
People and situations we struggle with reflect our weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and if we are paying attention and open to seeing ourselves clearly, these encounters shine a light on some of the most difficult aspects of ourselves. It is in seeing into our dark corners that we will find possibilities for healing and growth. Our defense responses—driven by feelings of unworthiness, anger, fear, or shame—are red flags. These red flags mark our proverbial problem zones; areas in our life where we struggle and need to work through our unresolved feelings, issues, and challenges.
Our highest and best
When people and situations hold up mirrors that show us our struggles, they reveal opportunities for us to learn and grow. Rather than hide from uncomfortable emotions and emotional debris, we can have compassion for ourselves, and for the person with whom we are in conflict. We can confront and deal with our vulnerabilities and differences in a way that builds stronger, more authentic connections with others, and allows us to become higher and better versions of ourselves.
4 new rules for navigating conflicts
Set the intention: Decide to communicate authentically, and work toward a greater understanding.
Pay attention: Be aware of your physical symptoms when you are in the midst of an argument. Breathe deep, calming breaths to slow your heart rate. Try to identify the uncomfortable feelings and strong negative reactions you are experiencing.
Practice active listening: Rather than compose your response, give the other person your full attention. Focus on what they are saying. Have compassion for their perspective, and respect their point of view—even though you may disagree.
Respond, rather than react: Refrain from the pitfalls of generalizing, blaming, or shaming. Stick to the specific issues at hand, rather than bring up past experiences to bolster your position or win an argument.
