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Key points
- When a spouse comes out as gay or trans during a divorce, it affects the whole family.
- The sense of betrayal, anger, and confusion may be greater for both the other spouse and any children.
- Empathy, communication, and the support of friends and family can make a big difference.
Divorce professionals see many issues that cause divorce. Read about the most common causes here.
Many years ago, I worked with a family that was going through a painful divorce after the husband admitted that he had been unfaithful and was gay. After the divorce, he contracted AIDS. He felt deep shame at having exposed his wife. He felt he’d betrayed himself and his family.
He had been secretly seeing a lover for several years. His wife was hurt, upset, and worried about her health, but she also loved her husband. Finally, remarkably, her husband and his partner moved back into the family home. She nursed them both through their illnesses until their deaths.
Understanding What Happens When a Spouse Comes Out as Gay or Trans
Every divorce is complex. It can be further complicated when one spouse comes out, which affects each member of the family differently.
The Spouse Coming Out
Coming out can bring a sense of relief and authenticity. Often the spouse has held the “secret” with guilt, shame, and fear, and may have lived a false life. They may feel joy at being able now to live an authentic life.
Simultaneously, they may feel guilt and shame for the pain they have caused their families and from societal or cultural stigma. They may suffer remorse for actions during the marriage, such as living a “secret life.”
Fear and anxiety are typical in divorce. With treatments available, the fear of AIDS has decreased. However, there is fear about the future, potential loss of relationships, and financial stability. They may worry about their children’s (and others’) acceptance of their new identity.
The Heterosexual Spouse, the “Left Spouse”
Betrayal and Anger: The heterosexual or the “left spouse” might feel betrayed, believing that their marriage was based on false premises, especially if their spouse has led a secret life. If blindsided by their spouse’s revelation, their emotional reaction will be much more intense. For some, the more relieved or joyful the spouse is after coming out, the more devastated the other spouse
Grief and Loss: The loss of the marriage, the envisioned future, and the life they had built together may be compounded by questions as to what the future will look like with an ex or a co-parent who has changed from the one they thought they had married.
Self-Doubt and Insecurity: Questions about their attractiveness and desirability may lead to diminished self-esteem and self-worth. They may torment themselves wondering how they didn’t know about the spouse’s identity or if they knew their spouse at all.
My client, above, told me that she’d have been more hurt if her husband had left her for another woman. Others may react differently.
Children
Confusion and Uncertainty: Children, especially younger ones, may not fully grasp the concepts of gender, sexuality, or sexual orientation. Children, the most vulnerable in the family, try to understand how their parents have changed, amplifying the destabilizing effect of the divorce.
Loyalty Conflicts: Children often feel torn, unsure of how to support one parent without betraying the other. They may try to decide which parent has wronged the other or who is to blame. This is especially hard on the parent who has come out. Some parents use their children’s confusion or upset to drive a wedge between the children and the parent who has come out.
Fear of Change: Along with changes in living arrangements, routines, and family dynamics, children worry about how their friends will respond to their parents’ separation as well as the coming out of one parent.
In my case above, the two adolescent children struggled to accept their dad and his new partner, and the son began to question his own sexuality or sexual identity. The daughter developed an eating disorder, which drew her parents to work closely together as they attempted to help her recover.
Extended Family and Friends
Shock and Disbelief: Extended family members and friends may be shocked if they weren’t aware of the spouse’s sexual orientation. Often, some friends aren’t surprised by the gay parent’s disclosure. It may be easier for these friends to offer support and acceptance to both spouses.
Judgment and Stigma: While the stigma of divorce has decreased, there is still stigma and misinformation about issues of gender and sexuality for those who hold conservative or religious views on sexuality and marriage.
Support and Acceptance: A divorce coach or therapist can help the spouses cultivate support and acceptance from their social circle. This helps balance the family and their transition to their new life post-divorce.
Dynamics within the Family System
Communication Challenges: Honest, effective communication during and after the divorce can be difficult to achieve. Rebuilding trust when a spouse has led a secret life or not been honest about their sexuality is crucial. Anger, sadness, and fear create a cognitive fog when you need to be able to think clearly and make important, life-changing decisions.
Reconfiguration of Roles: Family roles often shift after divorce. The coming-out spouse may or may not take on a different parental role or involvement in the children’s lives. Support from the co-parent is essential.
Coping Mechanisms: Each will develop their coping supports, including therapy, support groups, or relying on supportive friends and extended family. Adapting to the new realities of post-divorce life and the perceived changes in the coming-out ex takes time and patience.
Long-Term Emotional Implications
Personal Growth: Over time, family members may experience increased empathy and a deeper understanding of themselves and each other. The family described above grew closer during and after the divorce, as they joined together to support the newly out spouse. To do this, each person must work to process their emotions and heal the relationships.
Resilience: Families can emerge more resilient, having navigated a complex, emotionally charged situation together. The intense reactions and emotions of the divorce diminish over time as a new foundation of trust and friendship develops between the co-parents. This models resilience in adult relationships for the children.
Rebuilding Relationships: Unfortunately, some relationships may be permanently strained or broken. Others can be strengthened, based on honesty and mutual understanding. All of the family members above were bound together with love and respect and worked together to create a new kind of family structure.
Support Strategies During and After Divorce
Therapeutic Interventions: Divorce coaches help spouses navigate the inevitable intense emotions during divorce. Professional counseling can provide a safe space for families to express feelings, work through emotions, and develop healthy coping strategies.
Open and Honest Communication: Open dialogue where each family member can share feelings and perspectives without judgment is crucial. Some commit to a few months of family therapy during the transition to post-divorce life. Others agree to regular meetings to reassess parenting plans.
Educational Resources: Resources are widely available in most states about sexual orientation, gender, divorce, and family dynamics. This can help family members during a tumultuous time.
The emotional implications of divorce where one spouse comes out are complex. Each family member is affected. Understanding these dynamics and seeking appropriate support and information helps the entire family navigate this challenging transition.
© Ann Buscho, Ph.D. 2024
