Homophobia Hits Home

My husband of 24 years thinks our 17-year-old son is gay. I know there are certain things in life you can’t change. My husband is miserable because of that and takes his frustration out on our son. He blames me, that I baby our only son and feminize him. He tells him to talk in deeper voice and not to be a “pussy,” mocks his hand movements, and makes homophobic jokes. He is destroying what was a pretty decent father/son relationship before our son became a teenager. Is it time to divorce my husband, or is there some remedy?

Please don’t consider divorcing your husband—at least not yet.

Yes, you are seeing a side of him that is not only ugly but painful to experience. How could you not have empathy for your son and feel protective as someone mocks him? That it is your husband must rip your heart in half.

Your husband badly needs education about sexuality, masculinity, and about love. Exactly what does your husband blame you for? Loving your son?

Erotic attraction to someone of the same gender is a built-in capacity of the human species, present in all cultures. No one knows what mix of inborn, experiential, and environmental factors shape anyone’s expression of sexuality. Neither you nor your husband has done anything to cause the behavior that so distresses your husband.

Perhaps Mr. Taunt feels that his son’s homosexuality is a critique of his own masculinity. His own education has limited his capacity to understand there are many ways of being a man.

Unfortunately, the current cultural climate—in which the growing social acceptance of homosexuality has made it a target for some—may also be encouraging Mr. Taunt’s cruelty.

Whatever the source of his homophobia, it is damaging your son. “I’ve had many male clients in my psychotherapy practice who were ridiculed and taunted by their fathers,” says Massachusetts psychotherapist Rick Miller, “and let me tell you, they’re still feeling the effects 40 years later.”

Miller is founder of the nonprofit Gay Sons and Mothers, dedicated to the “strengths and struggles” related to the formation of sexual identity in the context of the parent-child relationship. The group exists precisely because you are not the first woman to be blamed “for something that may be the biggest asset in your son’s life—your love.”

To help both your spouse and son, Miller suggests finding other men in your community for your husband to chat with who have wrestled with the same issue. “Research shows that education from other community members and family is how people come along in their journey of acceptance,” he says. You can seek such support from a local chapter of PFLAG, an advocacy group for families of lesbians and gays. Miller notes that you have the power to push for the needed change. You can tell your husband, “If you want to stay married to me, you have to work on this.”