Advice: My Mother, the Druggie

After many years of violent arguments, substance abuse by both parents, and much confusion in the household, my parents divorced when I was young. My mother quickly remarried a convict and together they used drugs in the house, although, as I got older and more vocal, they would go off for a couple of days at a time to use. As the eldest of six, I often lied to child protective services about what was going on—out of fear. Some family members and friends encouraged me in my talents, and I went away to college. But things got worse at home, and my siblings all grew up to be users. I also underwent counseling in graduate school to overcome the pain and guilt of our family situation. I am now a successful educator, married, with children of my own. Despite many ups and downs in our relationship, I stay in occasional contact with my mother. She would like my children to come and visit her. Although she made poor choices that hurt me and is constantly enabling the addictions of my siblings, some of whom still live at home, I have more forgiveness toward her but feel strongly that I should not have to see, hear of, or speak with her abusive husband. They all think I'm the weird one.

Congratulations! You have displayed remarkable resilience in overcoming and distancing yourself from the environment that has trapped the rest of your family. Seeking out other family members who were especially attuned to your talents and accepting their help, focusing on your future rather than on the abuse and neglect you experienced, moving away—these all play a role in sparing you from the dominant script of the family drama you reject. Do take some time to reflect on the strengths you have demonstrated.

That said, there are some issues you might want to pay attention to. You have every right to decide who will and won't be a good influence on you and your children, and to maintain contact accordingly. It speaks well of you that you have been able to maintain a relationship with your mother, although she failed in her primary parental job—to protect you while you were growing up. You have no obligation to maintain a relationship to your stepfather. But neither do you have license to be mean or rude to him, no matter how much you feel he negatively influenced your mother and impacted your childhood. Cordial distance will do well.

The concern, however, is that you may be using him as a scapegoat, blaming him as the bad influence while letting your mother off the hook of responsibility for crimes she also committed. The need for a mother's love is great, and there are many psychological incentives for forgiving one who hurt us. Forgiveness is itself a fine emotion, but it is debased if it is granted promiscuously.

Consider whether you are dispensing forgiveness prematurely, before having a full airing of her crimes with your mother. Such a discussion would no doubt be painful, especially to her, but it could help her understand the full catalog of errors she made with regard to parenting and providing a safe and secure environment for you and your siblings. She could likely benefit from such a discussion, because, in continuing to support the addictions of your siblings, she appears not to grasp all the negative consequences of her behavior for her children.

Has she made heartfelt apologies to you and/or your siblings? Does she have any remorse for her harmful actions while you were growing up, and has she openly expressed her remorse to you? These are preconditions for granting forgiveness. Holding your mother to them would, in the long run, be helpful to her, because it means she could face her derelictions and know she still has support from you. But an eased conscience has to be earned.