Advice: An Introvert's Dilemma

I am a 16-year-old girl in my junior year of high school, generally on good terms with my parents. But my mother thinks that I am isolating myself. She is an extreme extrovert and does not like the fact that I do not spend time with friends after school, but I honestly don't want to. I have a handful of friends at school I am on good terms with, though we are not tightly knit. I really prefer to be alone most of the time. I come home and work on homework and hobbies (reading, writing, biology, photography) and do not see the point in going out and draining my energy when I would be far happier on my own. My social skills may not be stellar, but I'm hardly an outcast at school. Adults have told her that they enjoy conversation with me. She keeps pressuring me to be with people.

Your mother means well. She likely has a template of happiness based on her own experience. What's more, she may correctly understand that the ability to form and sustain relationships is one of the most important factors in living a satisfying life. Yes, it would be nice if your mother made more of an attempt to understand your nature and perspective. But forget for the moment her attempts to evaluate you based on her own extroverted experience.

There are, as I see it, two issues. And they are not about her at all. The big one is how well you are meeting your own needs for social experience. The fact is, different people have differing needs for social contact and prefer differing levels of social intensity. There are several questions you need to think about: Are you happy with your social situation now, however vibrant or subdued it is? Are you satisfied with your ability to make the friends you want whenever you want? Do you truly feel as close to people as you would like to feel? Do other people that you like return interest in you when you demonstrate interest in them? If you do not feel lonely and if you feel you are engaging with others as much as you want to—and are not holding back because you either don't know how to make contact or fear rejection—then everything is probably OK.

But there is another issue, and it has to do with mood and energy. Withdrawing from others is a common sign of depression. And a primary cause of depression is a lack of social contact with others. For most people, being with others, at least up to a point, is energy-renewing, not energy-draining. How do you know that some low-grade depression isn't both sapping your energy and your willingness to be with others? One distinguishing feature is how much you are able to enjoy the other activities in your life. If you get genuine pleasure and excitement out of writing and photography and reading, and these are not just repositories of dark thoughts, then there is little to worry about.

But if you'd like to sharpen your social skills and beef up the pleasure you get from activities, there are ways to do both without sacrificing your energy or your sense of self. If your school has a writing or photography club, you may want to think about joining and being with others whose interests align with yours. You wouldn't be doing this to satisfy your mother; you'd be advancing your own interests and skills, and probably your creativity as well.