Advice: How to Handle My Single Sister?

I have been married for 17 years, and my husband and I work at our marriage. My older sister, single and in her 40s, often makes uncomfortable remarks about our marriage. Here's a typical text: "The thing about being alone is that there is no one you can show your deepest fears, loneliness, depression... everyone has an expectation that you put on your game face...which is fine, except that you all have someone in your locker room!" My sister has many friends—more than I do. But I'm torn with guilt over having a wonderful man to confide in and angry at the burden put on me, in part because our late mother encouraged me to take care of my sister. Am I a selfish little sister?

I have been married for 17 years, and my husband and I work at our marriage. My older sister, single and in her 40s, often makes uncomfortable remarks about our marriage. Here's a typical text: "The thing about being alone is that there is no one you can show your deepest fears, loneliness, depression... everyone has an expectation that you put on your game face...which is fine, except that you all have someone in your locker room!" My sister has many friends—more than I do. But I'm torn with guilt over having a wonderful man to confide in and angry at the burden put on me, in part because our late mother encouraged me to take care of my sister. Am I a selfish little sister?

You're right: Single people often have more close friends than married people do; it's just the nature of modern family life, and not the best part of it. A lack of close friends often puts a too-heavy emotional burden on spouses. What marriage does have is a 3 A.M. confidante, which can be wonderful on a sleepless night. But when partners are going through a rough patch, proximity without emotional closeness can make marriage especially lonely. Your view of "taking care" of your sister excludes sharing such truths. You seem to be trying to protect your sister because you feel sorry for her. It is this feeling of pity that is probably disturbing you most and confounding your relationship. The burden of pity is a legacy of your mother's deathbed command—an assumption that there is something inferior about single life. You can "take care of your sister" without assuming the negative attitude your mother had about singlehood.

Your mother's command also has led you to assume that the most significant difference between you and your sister is marital status; it's not. It's loneliness status. Your sister lacks emotional closeness—not because she is unmarried but because she holds an erroneous belief about having to keep up a "game face." Such a belief undoubtedly keeps others at a distance and is the major source of the loneliness she feels.

As adults, you and your sister should be looking out for each other, talking freely about your different lives. To do that, though, you have to give up the false idea that avoiding mention of your marriage—or anything else—is protective. A good definition of looking after each other might include: emotional closeness; sharing thoughts and feelings; and mutual honesty, which would free you to tell your sister when her remarks (about anything) are off target. It's time for you and your sister to create your own adult relationship. The next time she tosses off a remark that you dislike, let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and why. Remind her that she has many friends to whom she can confide her fears, provided she abandons the false belief in a "game face."