Declarations of Independence

I have gone through five years of therapy for my parents not wanting contact with me anymore and for major depression with borderline traits. I am 42. The reason why my parents won't see or talk to me is because I told them to stop running my life and controlling me. My question, though, is this: Why am I not comfortable or sure of myself? I feel like I have to always strive and do something really important. How can I learn to like myself better and not be so hard on myself to succeed in something "important"?

The rift in your relationship with your parents is most revealing. You say the cause was your declaration of independence. Part of developing as an adult is learning to make your own choices and to live with the consequences of those choices.

Effective parents encourage that process, loosening the reins as the child grows. Healthy people with good boundaries who are your friends and family will generally support your decisions about what you choose as a career, whom you choose as friends, what you do for fun, and so on. (They can only do so if they are, in fact, competent decisions, i.e., effective even if they are different from what others might do.)

Some people, however, have poor boundaries; one way they show up is in the need or desire to control others. To try to control other people and get them to do as they want, people can use some very nasty tactics: making you feel horribly guilty, threatening actual harm, freezing you out or ending or threatening to end your relationship until you cave in.

The problem is, such ruthless manipulation actually works much of the time; people cave in out of fear or need for approval. Some people are willing to do things to others that you and I wouldn't do, and they make our lives much harder.

Learning to deal with such people, particularly when they are self-serving friends or family you must interact with, is an absolute necessity. Otherwise, you can too easily become their victim. No one overcomes depression by being a victim.

I would hope your therapist is especially skilled at helping you recognize and short circuit manipulative strategies such as the one your parents appear to have applied in refusing to see you (presumably until you "come to your senses," which means seeing things their way. It's quite a nasty game, isn't it?).

And you wonder why you are so unsure of yourself? How can you develop certainty in your judgment and confidence in yourself when your own parents will abandon you or hold you emotionally hostage if you make a "mistake" (that is, do something they don't approve of)? That added pressure to be "right" and "good" from their point of view means you don't learn to trust yourself, and you must always second guess yourself to try to minimize your parents' rejection.

When your whole life has been about avoiding rejection, your focus is mostly on others, and your sense of self is not developed. Hence, the borderline traits of your diagnosis. The process of becoming a worthwhile human being is a process of experimentation and discovery. You discover through your life experience what you value, how you want to live, your personal preferences and how to make choices for yourself that meet your own self-definition of what's good and right for you.

Doubt comes from relying on others' judgment about you; it leaves you forever wondering whether you're okay. Higher consciousness develops when you come to know and accept what's right for you, even if it isn't for someone else, while accepting the choices others make for themselves. This is an internal process of coming to recognize and accept as valid for you the decisions you make about how you wish to live.