Silent Partners

Early Parenthood

Having a baby today is certainly not what it used it be. It still takes nine months, and you still do it the same old way. But in every other respect, it's a lot harder--for both husbands and wives.

And if researchers Carolyn and Philip Cowan are right, it's harder for baby as well. First-time parenthood puts a huge stress on the marital relationship. But here's the catch: What happens between parents shapes their relationships with their children.

It's not the baby's fault, the Cowans insist, after tracking 100 couples in their landmark 10-year "Becoming a Family" project, at the University of California at Berkeley. The seeds of the problems are sown--long before the baby arrives--in each partner's visions of family life and ways of working out differences.

With no idea that parenthood is such a marital minefield, most partners are stunned and turn to blaming each other. "When things start to feel shaky, few husbands and wives know how to tell anyone, especially each other, that they feel disappointed or frightened," the Cowans observe in a new book detailing their findings, When Partners Become Parents (Basic Books).

The researchers want to "sound out some warnings about the dangers that sidetrack couples from the wonderful side of having babies." They point to changes that occur in the sense of self after a baby is born. In most new families, making things right for baby tends to get all the attention. "But that is only part of what it takes to create healthy children and family relationships," the Cowans say. Partners should attend to each other's needs as well.