You Can’t Read Minds

As a human being, you are constantly having thoughts. You’ve also likely experienced unhelpful or negative thoughts. Such thinking habits are called "cognitive distortions" according to the cognitive behavioral model created by Dr. Aaron Beck.¹

Mind reading is one such unhelpful thinking habit. It occurs when you assume you know what others are thinking. Moreover, it’s when you assume you know what they’re thinking about you.

Have you been in a conversation and had thoughts similar to:

“They’re mad at me.”

“They think I’m dumb.”

“They don’t like what I’m saying.”

“They hate this.”

Such thoughts may have been accurate, but you couldn’t have known if those thoughts were 100% factual. The stress, worry, guilt, shame, and depression that can come from mind reading often result in a negative impact on your mood and the way you view yourself, others, and the world. Therefore, it’s important that you notice when you are falling into this thinking trap.

Can mind reading be helpful?

Before reviewing strategies to help you reframe your mind reading, it’s important to validate that sometimes mind reading can be helpful. It can enable you to consider the perspectives of others and to keep yourself safe.

For example, if you are having a disagreement with someone, it’s helpful to be able to notice the cues of that person’s body language, including volume and tone of voice, what words they are using, and the seeming intent behind those words. In such a circumstance, you might mind read to provide yourself with the opportunity to keep yourself safe by removing yourself from the situation, if you think that person is angry or might be harmful towards you.

It’s always fair to ask yourself in any situation:

• What would help me feel safe right now?
• What can I do to get reassurance?

Of note: Past experiences and health diagnoses may be related to someone being more likely to mind read (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder) or make it harder for them to do so (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Even though it can sometimes be adaptive, mind reading is often unhelpful. For example, you might be projecting negative thoughts onto the other person because you are misinterpreting their body language. You might be assuming they like something that in reality they don’t or the opposite.

If you get caught up in trying to figure out what others are thinking, you may miss what’s happening in the moment, unintentionally discount the positive information that you see, and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sandy Millar on Unsplash

Source: Sandy Millar / Unsplash

Be mindful

Don’t let your negative thoughts, steal your moments of joy. Worrying about what others are thinking takes away your ability to enjoy what’s happening around you in the present moment.

Make efforts to focus on your own experience by practicing mindfulness as described by Jon Kabat Zinn.² Focus on the present moment, purposefully and non-judgmentally. You can do this by paying attention to your 5 senses. In that moment, what do you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch?

Ask

Rather than assuming what someone else is thinking, ask them! You can use empathy to consider how they might be feeling and add this as part of a question to get clarity. For example, “This seems like a stressful time, what are your thoughts on the situation?” or “I’m not sure how I feel about this yet, could you share your thoughts?”

Don’t discount the positive

If your mind is defaulting to the negative, you may be ignoring the positive or neutral things happening around you. Recognize and remind yourself that your thoughts are not facts and that you are viewing the world from your biased perspective.

A helpful way to remind yourself of this can be to ask yourself:

• What assumptions am I making right now?
• In what ways are my assumptions getting in the way?
• What are the neutral facts, if any?
• Can I step back and try to see the situation from an outside person's perspective?

Redirect a negative self-fulfilling prophecy

Your unhelpful mind reading may result in you acting in ways that lead to the outcome you were worried about. If you are focused on interpreting what others are thinking, your behavior may change in ways that cause you to appear more disengaged, nervous, or defensive. This may result in the other person changing their behavior in response to you.

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For example, if you are worried that the other person thinks you’re dumb, you may try to “prove” how much you know, leading you to cut them off in conversation with the “right answer” or to feel the need to correct them if they say something incorrectly. This behavior may lead the other person to feel frustrated and not want to interact with you further.

It's likely that you didn’t want them to think you were dumb because you wanted ongoing interaction or to leave them with a positive impression, however mind reading led you to act in a way that undermined your goal.

In sum, notice when you are assuming you know what others are thinking and consider asking them for their thoughts, reframing your negative thinking, and trying to be mindful instead.