Sexual Nostalgia May Improve Sexual Satisfaction

Source: Image by Jupi Lu from Pixabay

In longterm intimate relationships, decreased sexual satisfaction is a prevalent challenge. Sex therapists and couples therapists report that desire discrepancy, where one partner desires sex more than the other one, is one of the most common problems that brings couples to seek treatment. Unfortunately, despite the prevalence of these issues, effective treatment strategies remain limited.¹

Intervention strategies in general take two approaches: first, strategies may attempt to increase and/or maintain levels of sexual desire; and second, they may try to reduce the impact of sexual dissatisfaction on the relationship and the partners within the relationship. Strategies to increase or maintain sexual desire include introducing novelty into sex through suggestions like role-playing, use of sexual toys or scheduling sex. Ways to mitigate the impact of desire discrepancy and sexual dissatisfaction on relationship satisfaction include engaging in other, nonsexual activities with ones’ partner, communication with ones’ partner, using masturbation to meet ones’ own needs, and engaging in nonsexual physical closeness. Research has found that whichever strategies are used, they appear to have greater effect at mitigating the impact on relationship satisfaction, as opposed to increasing sexual desire.²

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Sexual Nostalgia and Sexual Communion

Increased sexual communion has been described as one effective way to protect your partner from being dissatisfied when you or your relationship doesn’t meet your partner’s sexual ideals. In this model, practicing sexual communion involves empathizing with your partner, as well as valuing them and their sexuality, even when their needs don’t match your own. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you engage in sex that doesn’t work for you. But it does mean that you acknowledge to your partner that a mismatch exists, you don’t shame them for it, and you tell them how you value them and wish the mismatch didn’t impact them because you value their sexual fulfillment.

Similar to sexual communion, sexual nostalgia appears to be another relational strategy which increases relationship satisfaction, in spite of sexual dissatisfaction.

Nostalgia itself has been shown to increase well-being and self-esteem, leading to increased feelings of purpose, value, and accomplishment in life. By simply reminiscing over one’s positive past experiences, one gains a bigger picture view of their own life, attending to the positive things they've experienced and accomplished.

When people engage in “primed nostalgia,” acting intentionally to reminisce over past positive experiences, they often report feeling more loved and socially connected.

Sexual nostalgia is distinct from sexual fantasy. In sexual nostalgia, one thinks about actual past positive sexual experiences with actual current or past partners, as opposed to fantasizing about fictional experiences or fantasy partners. Past research on sexual nostalgia found that people with higher levels of sexual dissatisfaction and lower levels of sexual fulfillment and relationship quality engaged in more frequent personal sexual nostalgia. Thus, sexual nostalgia appears to be a coping mechanism for relationship sexual problems.³

New research explored sexual nostalgia further, identifying ways in which sexual nostalgia interacted with relationship attachment styles as well as relational and sexual satisfaction. In this complex, multi-part research project, the researchers unpacked a great deal of new information about sexual nostalgia, how it works, what works best, and who it works best for.

First, the research found that sexual nostalgia seemed most effective when it focused on three core components:

• Physical sensations from sex, orgasm, physical pleasure, and sensuousness. Focusing on these appeared to help people cope with decreased elements of those physical pleasures in their current intimate relationship.
• Novelty in sexual and relational behaviors. By prioritizing nostalgia about past adventurous and novelty-seeking sexual behaviors, individuals may again be helping themselves cope with a current relationship that has fewer forms of sexual novelty and excitement.
• Emotional components of sexual memories, and feelings of intense connectedness. Sexual nostalgia about past casual sex didn’t seem to have the impact that sexual reminiscing over great sex with a strongly loved partner did.

Those who engage in more frequent sexual nostalgia, alone or with their partner, showed higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relational well-being. However, these results were correlational and it may be that sexual nostalgia is not causing these positive effects, but that both sexual nostalgia and increased sexual satisfaction emerge from other personal and relational factors.

Finally, those who have higher levels of anxious attachment appeared to have the strongest benefits of engaging in more frequent sexual nostalgia. The authors note: In fact, the benefits of sexual nostalgia for those high in anxious attachment were so powerful that those engaging in sexual nostalgia to the greatest extent reported sexual satisfaction nearly identical to those low in anxious attachment.”

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Using Sexual Nostalgia for Desire Discrepancy and Sexual Dissatisfaction

Since encountering this research, I’ve been encouraging couples dealing with desire discrepancy to implement sexual nostalgia in their lives. A few things I’ve suggested:

• On “Date Nights” each partner needs to tell the other one a story about a past shared sexual experience. The story should include discussion of what things were new and exciting, the physical sensations they experienced, and how that sexual experience made them feel closer and deepened their relationship.
• Personally, I encourage folks, including myself, to journal about past sexual experiences. Create a diary (maybe written in code!) to read over and smile to yourself, in those times when you are feeling in a sexual rut.
• Finally, borrowing from colleague Peggy Keinplatz and her lessons from optimal sexual experiences, I encourage couples to take lessons from those sexual stories they share with each other, and introduce some of those elements and experiences into their current sex lives.