7 Things Everyone Needs to Understand About Grief

As someone who has experienced multiple losses and has interviewed more than 100 widows for my book about coping with loss, I know firsthand that grief can be multifaceted and can appear difficult to understand, even for the best-trained clinicians. Here are seven things (in no particular order of importance) to know and understand about grief:

1. Secrets are often revealed or concealed after a loved one dies. It isn’t unusual for a bereaved person to share a “secret” about their loved one after the loss. The secret may be something that happened decades ago or an incident that occurred during caregiving. It also isn’t uncommon for the bereaved to purposely conceal something about their loved one. The bereaved may feel, out of loyalty to their loved one, that certain things, such as a substance abuse problem, are better left covered up. Depending on the nature of the secret, this can impact the intensity of the grief.
2. Grief isn’t something to overcome. There are many things to overcome, such as thirst or hunger or stress. If one is thirsty, they can drink a glass of water, or they can eat a meal if they’re hungry. If one is unhappy with a job, they can consider changing jobs. However, with grief, one can’t simply overcome it with an action. There are distractions from grief, such as watching a movie or going for a walk, but as the bereaved know grief remains. Learning healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the loss is one of the best ways to manage the sorrow. And speaking with a trained mental health professional is a healthy option to cope with the pain.
3. Each person’s triggers are unique. While some triggers can be common, such as a rich holiday tradition like gathering around the family table to share a Thanksgiving meal, other things can be unique to the individual. These unique triggers can include a song, an article of clothing, or a certain place. Knowing what and understanding why certain things elicit an emotional response can help one to cope with intense emotions.
4. No two experiences with a loved one are the same. Even within the same family, a child’s experience with their mother as their parent is unique. For example, the mother may parent one child differently depending on their needs than the other children. These differences can impact the way one feels loss. And it can also account for why people within the same family who are grieving the same person vary in their expressions of sorrow.
5. Support often decreases days after someone dies, leaving the bereaved isolated physically and emotionally. Personally, I know after my husband died (in 2007, I was 33 at the time) the number of emails, texts, and telephone calls dramatically decreased. The wound of grief was wide open without any ability to heal on its own, and the silence forced the wound to grow deeper and wider.
6. The bereaved lament for unfulfilled desires and dreams. While many reflect over past memories, the bereaved also can see what won’t happen. The father isn’t able to walk a child down the wedding aisle, or a sister isn’t able to see her sibling graduate from college. A mother isn’t able to plan for her first grandchild. These types of laments aren’t uncommon, and they contribute to the grief experience.
7. Most grief experiences are complex, traumatic, and linger beyond one year. In this post, I explained why grief typically extends beyond 12 months. And it can cause more harm to one’s self to think something is wrong if their sadness goes beyond a year. Also, losing the person one loves and depends on is traumatic. The sense of safety and security may no longer exist, and this can contribute to the feelings of loneliness and emotional isolation.

Grief is complicated, and it is not a do-it-yourself project. This is a situation that often needs professional mental health services. And it is important to remember that one can experience tough emotions related to the loss years after a loved one dies. Reaching out for professional mental health help is the smart and compassionate thing to do for yourself.

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