How Romantic Pursuit Goes Too Far

Source: Image by Alice Bitencourt from Pixabay

Your first date from Friday night shows up at your place of work Monday morning with a bouquet of red roses. Your coworkers are abuzz with interest and questions, including the inevitable: “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend!” You might feel uncomfortable admitting that this man who showed up in person to hand deliver his bold and presumptuous public display of affection is someone you barely know. And this first impression begs the question—do you want to?

The Power of Presumption

Timothy J. Valshtein et al. (2022) studied what they termed the “gray areas” of romance, in a piece measuring presumptuous romantic intentions (PRI).[i] They began by noting that capturing the attention of a potential romantic partner requires an intentional, thoughtful selection of effective strategies of pursuit. Some are conservative, others are bold. In their study, they measured the extent to which a romantic pursuer decided to embark on a presumptuous course of pursuit. Among other findings, they discovered that PRI predicted actual presumptuous romantic behavior.

Valshtein et al. defined presumptuousness as an approach used by a romantic pursuer in “selecting strategies to attract the attention of or enhance closeness toward a romantic interest, irrespective of what the person being pursued thinks or feels.” Romantic tactics enacted presumptuously would include grand proclamations of affection, social media snooping, or lewd overtures. They note that the common hallmark of such advances is their enactment regardless of reciprocation, presumed to be an effective strategy to enhance closeness.

Yet Valshtein et al. point out that without reciprocation, a romantic pursuer engaging in presumptuous behavior runs the risk of being perceived as “creepy” or “pushy,” when in the presence of reciprocation, they might be viewed as “bold” or a “risk-taker.” Accordingly, they explain that presumptuousness defines the rashness and impetuousness of pursuit behavior, as opposed to how such strategies should or are likely to be perceived.

From Interest to Obsession: The Progression of Presumptuous Intentions into Behavior

In addition to validating the link between intentions and behavior, Valshtein et al. also validated a way to measure the bold romantic strategies pursuers use, regardless of reciprocation. They found that these intentions were linked with a higher degree of perceived entitlement, narcissism, and impulsivity. They explain that these intentions predict relationship behaviors which can be assessed in individuals who are single or partnered. relationship behaviors (e.g., coercion, abuse, stalking).

Valshtein et al. adopted a definition of stalking as “repeated, unwanted attempts by one person to threaten, approach, or harass another person, causing fear or annoyance in the target” (citing Tjaden & Thoennes, 1998). They recognize the measure of presumptuousness they developed provides a framework for investigating how disruptions in “normative courtship” can evolve into problematic patterns of stalking behaviors, which identifies presumptuousness as a potential risk factor.

One important observation Valshtein et al. make is that differences in presumptuousness may not be intentional, but instead be influenced by failures in self-regulation or misperceiving situation cues. They also found that people in relationships were more likely than singles to endorse PRI, which is still problematic because such behaviors are not normative even within a relationship. They note that although partnered individuals experience greater relational security, the majority of stalking behavior is committed by current or former intimates.

Block the Progression of Bold Behavior With Boundaries

A prospective paramour hand delivering a bouquet of red roses to your workplace might be the first step along a bold path of presumption. A visit to your home might be next. Managing presumptuous behavior is about learning to navigate boundaries sooner rather than later, to discourage unwanted pursuit, leaving more time to welcome appropriate overtures characterized with restraint and respect.

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