Ex-Intimate Stalkers: When Desire Becomes Dangerous

You return to your car to find a red rose tucked under your windshield wiper. You suspect it is from your new ex-partner who you broke up with the week before. Here is the important question: do you smile, or see the gesture as a serious problem?

Source: Image by fikret kabay from Pixabay

Some Ex-Paramours Are Dangerous—But Which Ones?

New singles who initiated a breakup often field calls, emails, and text messages from ex-partners who are having a hard time absorbing the reality. Attempting to let the rejected partner down slowly, they often agree to talk or text, thinking they are softening the blow. Sometimes it isn’t until they seem to be running into their ex-flame everywhere, that they suspect letting go is harder than they thought. At what point does focus become dangerous fixation? Research suggests some red flags.

Not All Stalkers Are Alike: When Focus Becomes Fixation

Using a sample of victim reports from the National Stalking Helpline database, Eleanor White et al. (2022) compared stalkers who targeted acquaintances, ex-intimates, or strangers. [i] They note that according to most stalking research, ex-intimates are the largest subgroup as compared to stalkers who target strangers or acquaintances, with some research estimating that ex-partner stalkers make up 80% of stalking cases.

White et al. also recognize a link between stalking and abuse within the prior intimate relationship, noting that according to the National Violence Against Women Survey (Tjaden & Thoennes, 1998) found that 81% of women who stalked by a current or former partner also experienced physical abuse within that relationship, with 31% reporting sexual assault.

Although other research indicates there may not necessarily be a link between stalking behavior and future interpersonal violence,[ii] victim accounts of past stalker behavior are valuable methods of assessing risk. Unfortunately, White et al. note such information is not always available within official police records, or through interviews with perpetrators. Yet when stalking victims have been interviewed, some research (Sheridan et al., 2000) found that when presented a list of 40 intrusive behaviors, the sample agreed on what constituted “stalking” for half of the behaviors listed.

In addition, White et al. found that ex-intimate stalkers engaged in significantly more behaviors than did stalkers who targeted strangers or acquaintances, and their behavior included physical and sexual assault, criminal damage, and contact with third parties. They also found that ex-intimate stalkers engaged in more severe behaviors than did the other subgroups they studied.

Perception Prompts Intervention

White et al. note that one important takeaway from their research is that their results conflict with the levels of fear created by ex-intimates versus stranger stalkers. People are more likely to perceive behavior as stalking and report it to the police when it is committed by a stranger. White et al. note that early reporting could explain why less behaviors have been identified for stranger stalkers as compared to ex-intimate stalkers—where victims may minimize the perceived risk due to the nature of the relationship, which unfortunately may facilitate an escalation to violence. They note another difference is the tendency of victims of ex-intimate stalkers to have a heightened awareness, and accordingly report a more extensive list of behaviors after they have reached out to the helpline.

Overall, White et al. note that their findings are consistent with previous research that demonstrates how ex-intimate victims are more at risk of violent behaviors than victims of stranger stalkers, despite the misconception that strangers are more dangerous and create greater fear. The best practice for victims is not to soften the blow of rejection by maintaining contact but harden the determination to disengage. Conveying a firm “no” followed by a refusal to reconsider is the best way to achieve closure, and hopefully allow a rejected suitor to move on.