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Key points
- Negative attitudes are toxic to happiness. Sustainable happiness requires a fundamental shift in outlook.
- Gratitude fuels happiness. It breaks through walls of negativity and loneliness.
- Cultivate gratitude, and one can cultivate lasting happiness as well.
"Happy" is a big business. It always has been. Billboards, television commercials, and advertisements bombard us with the promise of happiness, all attempting to sell us the same thing: we'll be happier if we…
- Buy this
- Live here
- Take this course
- Wear this brand
Ads like these can quickly transform us into "happiness junkies," forking over cash for the promise of perfect sunsets and stress-free living. But quick-fix solutions rarely produce sustainable happiness.
What if you could nurture and cultivate "happy" on your own? What if lasting happiness could be narrowed down to nurturing a single personality trait?
Happy without the price tag
I haven't conducted hundreds of studies on happiness. I haven't received rave reviews for my happiness course. And I'm not trying to sell you anything. But I can tell you this: after providing weekly group psychotherapy for over 25 years to hundreds of happiness-seekers, it's essential to recognize that there are basic needs that support happiness, such as affordable housing, stable finances, fulfilling relationships, and good health. These things provide a stable daily foundation for security but don't guarantee happiness.
Google happiness and you'll discover endless lists of actions and behaviors that will point you in the right direction, such as a healthy diet, cardio workouts, loving relationships, and rewarding work. But even if you satisfy all those recommendations, happiness still isn't guaranteed.
That's annoying.
Desperate for happiness, you may even do a sales job on yourself. You tell yourself, I'll be happy when I:
- lose weight
- get a raise
- find a partner
- have kids
- change homes
- change careers
- retire
- get a new car
- cut my bangs
The list goes on. But even when you achieve these goals, you guessed it: There's no promise that happiness will stick around.
What do happy people have in common?
If the goal is lasting, sustainable happiness, it will require a fundamental shift in attitude. In other words, how you view the world, yourself, and everyone is the number-one cause of your unhappiness. Negative outlooks and attitudes are toxic to happiness. No matter how many goals you achieve, negativity pulls you back to feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied. No matter how much you have, you wake up each morning unconsciously thinking:
- What can I be unhappy about today?
- Who can I blame for my unhappiness?
- What jerk is going to ruin my day?
Meet Miserable Mike. Years ago, he joined one of my weekly therapy groups. Week after week, he arrived with a fresh list of complaints. Years and a small fortune in individual therapy hadn't budged his negative outlook or inspired him to develop more fulfilling relationships.
When individual therapy fails to spark change, group therapy frequently succeeds by challenging people to embrace a new way of being and giving them a place to practice.
Despite his negative outlook, Miserable Mike had one extraordinary gift: He responded with empathy and kindness if anyone in the group was suffering. His sensitivity was breathtaking in such moments.
- “Samantha, I’m so sorry your mother’s sick. I know how stressful it is.”
- “Alan, I wish your boss respected you more. He’s lucky to have you.”
- “Thomas, it hurts me that you’re lonely. You’re a good person. You deserve to be loved.”
Miserable Mike had a talent for championing anyone facing hardship. Yet, almost immediately after, he rebooted to complaining and returned to hiding behind his wall of negativity. His negative outlook was a prison that didn't allow visitors.
Over time, the group got tired of Mike's complaints, a bad habit that undermined any hope of happiness. One group member, Samatha, approached him with gratitude for his support throughout her mother's illness: “Mike, your kindness sustained me. I kept your voice in my head throughout my mother’s health crisis. I don’t know what I would have done without you.
Without missing a beat, Mike launched into a familiar rage about the unfairness of the healthcare system. This time, Samatha stopped him: “I don’t care about the healthcare system. I care about you.”
Mike was speechless. She continued: “Anyone can see how unhappy and lonely you are, Mike. You identify with everyone’s struggles because you feel the same way. You deserve support, Mike. You deserve to be loved. In fact, when you’re not complaining, I find you very loveable.”
The group sided with Samantha and voiced their appreciation and affection for Mike. Soon, it became clear that he yearned for such validation.
Mike's voice softened, and his eyes filled with tears; he then said two words he had never said in the group before: "Thank you."
The power of gratitude to fuel happiness
Gratitude fuels happiness more than any other attitude. It is a superpower that breaks through walls of negativity and loneliness, builds bridges of connection and warmth, and changes strangers into friends. Gratitude doesn't discriminate: Rich or poor, young or old, partnered or single, it melts defensiveness and exchanges coldness for warmth.
For Mike, it all started with a simple moment of saying thank you. As Buddhist peace advocate Daisaku Ikeda writes:
"Thank you” is a miraculous expression. It energizes us when we say it to others, and encourages us when we hear it said to us…When we speak or hear the words thank you, the armor falls from our hearts and we communicate deeply.
Once Mike started receiving and expressing appreciation, he lived a more fulfilling life. He developed deeper relationships with group members, and, over time, complaining became less satisfying for him. Soon, these skills translated into more positive and intimate relationships outside the group. This didn't happen overnight: Mike fell back into his old outlook habit from time to time. But each time he did, the group confronted and redirected him. They wouldn't allow him to get stuck in his old ways—and soon, neither would he.
Bottom line: Cultivate gratitude, and you will cultivate lasting happiness.
