Verified by 
Relationships
3 Reasons You Sabotage Intimate Relationships
Looking for love while pushing it away.
Posted October 4, 2022 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Key points
- A fear of intimacy puts you at odds with yourself; you want intimacy, yet fear, avoid, or sabotage it.
- Three common reasons people may sabotage relationships are childhood wounds, low self-worth, and personality disorders.
- For building strong, healthy relationships, group therapy may be an especially helpful treatment.
Many feel unsatisfied with their relationships. They yearn for intimacy but fear getting close to others. Failed dating apps, experiences with hostile co-workers, or broken friendships add to their feeling of isolation. The world seems full of happy people; walking hand-in-hand, enjoying lunch, or chatting on park benches. It’s unfair.
Why are loving relationships so elusive? Are some people destined to be alone?
Allergic to intimacy
For over twenty-five years, I’ve led private therapy groups that help people establish healthy relationships. Week after week in my office, they gather in circles to work on the essentials of relating, such as authenticity, honest communication, and boundary setting.
And while some people evolve quickly and learn how to have satisfying relationships, others remain mired in insolation, unable to break free of old patterns.
What do the people who remain stuck frequently have in common? They yearn for love yet act in ways that sabotage relationships and push people away. They are at odds with themselves; they say they want intimacy, yet ultimately fear it. (See "Why Romance Won't Fill Your Emptiness")
Beyond self-sabotage
They are few things as satisfying as emotional intimacy, such as confiding in a close friend or sharing feelings of affection with a lover. Such moments feel timeless. We carry them with us throughout our lives because they give us the emotional nutrition that warms our hearts and helps us thrive socially.
You may have a fear of intimacy if you cannot sustain such healthy, satisfying relationships. Though that's not a clinical diagnosis, I've observed that fear of intimacy frequently emerges as a pattern of relating. This pattern of “longing for intimacy while pushing it away or sabotaging it” tends to originate from three sources:
1. Childhood wounds. If your parents, siblings or peers had poor boundaries, were neglectful, or were emotionally or physically abusive, you were taught to distrust people and keep them at a distance. As a result, intimacy can trigger fear. When someone gets close to you, danger signals go off. (See "Growing Up Without Emotional Boundaries")
2. Low self-esteem. Consider this old song’s great line: “I can’t be right for somebody else if I’m not right for me.” If you harbor feelings of self-hatred, it will be difficult for anyone to convince you that you’re loveable. When people are attracted to you, you may even think something must be wrong with them. After all, why would they like someone like you?
3. Personality Disorder. Certain personality disorders, such as borderline or bipolar, can make sustaining intimate relationships challenging, especially if the condition is untreated. It’s difficult for others to tolerate mood swings, bouts of paranoia, or mania. Personality disorders generally spring from an unstable sense of self that intimacy can exasperate.
Healing your fear of intimacy
You can't beat the power of group therapy when it comes to building strong, rewarding relationships. Unlike individual treatment, group targets social difficulties: It's a weekly relationship gym for strengthening social skills and establishing a solid self for social situations. Group therapy can be short-term or long-term, theme-focused, or open-ended. Developing the ability to relate to others comfortably while shedding fears of intimacy is at the core of group work. (For more, click here.)
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
