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It doesn't matter whether I'm speaking to parents of high school, middle school, or elementary school children I will always ask the same question; "How much sexual intimacy will you be okay with your child expressing with another kid before he or she reaches age eighteen"? It's a really important question for all us parents to consider don't you think? I mean, at some point we should all ask ourselves that question, and hopefully after we think about it long and hard and come to an answer, we then set about planning how we will share with our kid what our expectations are concerning just how much sexual intimacy is okay or not okay, and under what conditions, if any, it can be displayed.
But I must tell you that many parents I speak with haven't really given this question a whole lot of thought. Now don't misunderstand me...it's not as if parents haven't thought about where they stand on their child having sexual intercourse as a teenager. My experience tells me most of them have formulated their opinions about "going all the way". But it seems that many parents haven't given significant thought to the broader question of exactly how much sexual intimacy they would feel comfortable or uncomfortable knowing their son or daughter might engage in. You know, will I as a parent be comfortable with my child doing any of the following acts of sexual intimacy, and if so, at what age and/or under what set of circumstances will I be?
• Kissing/making out
• Tongue kissing
• Getting "felt up" or feeling someone up
• Getting "felt down" or feeling someone down
• Getting "felt up" under clothing or feeling someone up under clothing
• Getting "felt down" under clothing or feeling someone down under clothing
• Masturbation with another
• Giving or receiving oral sex
• And of course...Vaginal or anal intercourse
I suppose most parents expect and would approve of their teenager having some level of sexual intimacy prior to becoming an adult. I mean, most of us probably can't see our kids going most of the way or all of the way through high school without some "fooling around." The issue is though, how much? Can you imagine having to wait until you're eighteen years of age or older before having your first make-out session? I bet most of us can't picture our kids waiting until adulthood to have their first tongue kissing experience or even waiting that long for some sexual touching. Ah, but it gets a little tougher when we start to think about our teenager doing some sexual touching under one's clothing does it not? The touching of naked breasts, or touching a naked penis or vulva, or actually masturbating someone or being masturbated are behaviors that are even harder for us to accept I would think. And any thought of our kids giving or receiving oral sex or going all the way as in vaginal or anal sex, is all probably a lot more than most of us can handle. But we all have to takes sides on these issues eventually. It is after all incumbent upon all of us as parents to not only articulate boundaries for our kids when it comes to sexual behaviors, but to help guide them on how to make healthy and wise sexual decisions.
"Going All the Way"
Although many parents would prefer that their kids delay intercourse until they are adults, I have met my share of parents that don't have a problem with their teens having sex. I have had any number of parents say to me that they were sexually active as a teen and they expect their teen will be too. Of course, all of these parents assume that their teenager will be of high school age as I have yet to meet parents of middle school teens that think it's alright for kids that age to have sex. But there are some parents that firmly believe it is entirely naïve to expect one's high school teenager to abstain from sex and so it is permissible as long as their kid is using a condom. Then there are others still that are okay with the notion assuming their kid is in a monogamous, loving and trust-worthy relationship, and of course using a condom along with an additional back-up contraceptive.
So where do you stand on the matter? Having sexual intercourse can be a life-enhancing, wonderful experience, it can also be a huge mistake, and ruin one's life. If we were to make a list of the benefits one can experience from sexual intercourse and then a list of risks, which would be greater? From a very objective standpoint, if sexual intercourse was to occur between two people who shared real love, mutual respect and trust, and they were responsible in preventing unwanted pregnancy or the spread of disease, the rewards could be very beneficial. Without love, respect and trust, and the responsible use of contraception and condom use, it can be very detrimental. Let's face it, unwanted pregnancy, the spread of sexually transmitted infections, and sexual violence are all very real risks that can occur from a sexual relationship, particularly when love, respect and trust are absent. While the risks of sexual intercourse are real for both teens and adults, I think it can easily be argued that the risks associated with sexual intercourse between teens far outweighs any of the perceived benefits, and that teens are at greater risk when sexually active than are adults. Then again, there are teens that have intercourse within the context of a very caring relationship, are very responsible, and do so in a context in which risks are minimized.
I have always advocated with teens in my role as a sexual educator and with my own child that sexual intercourse should not occur until adulthood, and then only within a loving, respectful and trustworthy relationship. This is after all, the one context in which the sexual risks and harm that can come from sexual intercourse are reduced to their lowest common denominator. I also know that teens will get plenty of messages that they should be sexually active and I believe that as a caring adult or parent it is my responsibility to establish a moral guidepost that says it's not only okay to delay sexual intercourse, but is in the young person's best interest. Ultimately, though, each of us needs to determine for ourselves what we are comfortable with when it comes to the moral and values message about intercourse we want to send to our teens.
Oral Sex
Maybe I'm missing something, but I look at oral sex as the same as vaginal or anal sex. That is, oral sex is sex, and it should be in the same category as going all the way. I have met far too many teens when I was the Director of Health for the New York City Public Schools that have told me that oral sex is not sex. "I'm still a virgin", "I can't get pregnant", or, "I can't get someone pregnant", are all statements I have heard many, many times. But I still can't see much of a difference between any of the different types of intercourse...after all; all of them are a form of sexual intercourse. Consequently, I always tell teens that if you put your mouth on a penis or put your mouth on a vulva/vagina, it is sex! Of course, this is me talking...how about you? What's your message you want your child to hear?
There are just so many risks associated with oral sex that I can't see how the advantages outweigh the potential for harm. I believe our kids need to hear from us that oral sex should be done within the same context as vaginal and anal sex. That is, when an adult and in the context of mutual love, respect and trust. But again, this is me talking. Where do you stand?
Masturbation
If you've read my previous post on masturbation http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-your-child-needs-know-about-sex-and-when/201110/are-you-masturbation-educator, you'll know I'm a pretty big proponent of its benefits for our children...when done alone that is. Once we advocate that it's okay for our teens to be involved in masturbation with another kid the potential for traveling down the road towards intercourse becomes ever more possible. In other words, "one thing can lead to another". And yet, there are kids that can manage their impulses and keep mutual masturbatory behavior from escalating further.
Feeling Up, Feeling Down, Over Clothes and Under
So now we are getting into the realm of sexual intimacy that perhaps becomes a little more difficult for us parents to take a stand on. These behaviors definitely fall within the category of "fooling around", although it can be argued that touching under clothes can certainly create some fairly hot moments that can easily cloud an adolescent's mind and potentially set the stage for some poor decision making. Feeling up and down over the clothes are behaviors that so many of us reading this now have done as teens (not that many of us haven't done under the clothes as well right?). If only our kids could manage their sexual feelings within these moments and stay in control, not advance any further, and be content with just the touching, there's probably quite a few of us that would be okay with these behaviors. I have advocated before that we spend considerable time teaching our kids how to manage sexual feelings http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-your-child-needs-know-about-sex-and-when/201110/want-reduce-teen-sexual-intercourse-make-s.
Kissing and Tongue Kissing
Have we finally gotten to some forms of sexual intimacy that we are comfortable having our kids engage in? I mean, are these behaviors that we can live with? Well maybe not if we're talking about your sixth grader or seventh grader right? What exactly are our messages to our children about making out and kissing? "You can kiss if you like the boy/girl but I would prefer you wait until you're thirteen". Or, "I hope you don't tongue kiss until you're in high school and only then when you know the other kid for a while and you like him/her".
This Stuff Is Hard
It really is isn't it? I suppose it all comes down to taking a stand on these issues with our kids, BUT at the same time helping them understand how to make good decisions, appreciate the context in which sexual intimacy should be expressed http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-your-child-needs-know-about-sex-and-when/201109/teach-your-child-the-three-biggest-sex-wor, constantly check in with them and communicate regularly, and become as approachable as we can on all sexual matters that pertain to our kids. I do know that our kids need to hear from us that sex is like a coin...on one side it creates life. We wouldn't be here without it. But turn the coin over, and sex can kill us. Of course I think of HIV and AIDS when I say this. Turn the coin back over, and sex between two adults that love, respect and trust each other and WOW, sex can be great. Turn it over again, and it can be devastating and ruin one's life (unwanted pregnancy, sexual abuse, etc.).
Don't be afraid to tell your kids that sexual intimacy has its place when done responsibly. But at the same time we do need to share with our children the boundaries of intimacy that we are comfortable with and why. The one thing I do know for certain: if we keep on talking with our kids about sex and sexuality they will be more likely to effectively manage their sexuality and make sound and healthy decisions about it.
