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When I go into a middle school classroom and announce to the students that I am going to talk to them about the three biggest sex words that exist, they are convinced I am going to say something crazy and outrageous. When I tell them the words are love, respect, and trust, they roll their eyes, their heads drop, and they look terribly disappointed, as though I had let them down or something. And when I address a group of elementary school parents and tell them how we need to stress to our kids at an early age how you should only have sexual intercourse with someone with whom you share mutual love, respect, and trust, many of them too look around the room, squirm a little in their seats, not sure if that's the message they want to send, possibly because they themselves didn't live by that standard. Even as I write this, I'm wondering just how many of you reading this now are thinking, that's so old-fashioned; or, Dr. Fred is so naïve; or, no sex without love? That's just going too far.
The idea of having mutual love, respect, and trust in a relationship prior to engaging in sexual intercourse is, I think, a message that we have lost somewhere over the years in this country on our way to "sexual enlightenment." Accessing sexual pleasure has taken precedence over anything remotely resembling emotional connectedness, and we need to seriously consider this consequence as it pertains to children's learning about sexuality and their potential involvement in sexual risk behaviors. When I speak to teens, whether in middle school or high school, many are much attuned to the idea that having sex in a relationship can be fun, enjoyable, or rewarding. They are less attuned however, in their ability to recognize love, respect, and trust, and how these attributes insulate a person from the risks inherent in various sexual behaviors.
Before going further, let me make a few points about love, respect, and trust and their potential impact on sexual behavior for you to ponder. When you have mutual respect and trust with someone, and share a genuine love with her or him, there is virtually no reason why you would ever have to worry that she or he would ever deliberately try to hurt you, cheat you, or dishonor you. How important this is when you consider how many people will sexually abuse others during their relationship, lie about their HIV or STD status, be irresponsible and not use a condom and contraceptives during sex, cheat on their partner, and in general just treat their partner like crap. But when you have real love, respect, and trust in your relationship these negative things will not happen. When someone truly loves you and has unmistakable respect for you, and is someone you can trust, you simply don't worry that this person might deliberately try to hurt you. Or that this person might knowingly give you a sexually transmitted infection or HIV, or that this person might just be using you for sexual purposes. You wouldn't have to worry that this person might leave you high and dry if you were to become pregnant, or that this person might coerce or force you to have sex when you didn't want to.
Think about all this... you simply would not have to worry. If we all waited to have a sexual relationship until we had true love, respect, and trust, and we were able to accurately identify when we had these three ingredients in our relationship, we would dramatically minimize many of the health related problems that are the result of sexual risk behaviors. Unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections, and sexual relationship abuse would all be reduced. Plain and simple! Keep in mind that sexual risk behaviors are one of six health related behaviors that account for the vast majority of morbidity and mortality in the United States today.
Even if you put sexual behavior aside for the moment, just think how essential these big three ingredients are for any relationship to be successful. Think how crucial our message is when we explore with our children how true love, respect, and trust establish a bond between two people that is not easily broken. Physical appearance, material comforts, similar interests, and good sex and all the other things that play a part in a relationship really do pale next to developing mutual respect and trust. And when put together with true love, which can only come from mutually congruent values, a sense of empathy for another, and goodness of heart, they collectively make for the deepest of connections with another person.
Sadly however, my experiences with many adolescents leads me to think that many kids simple don't get a whole lot of education about love, respect, and trust, certainly not as they pertain to a relationship that could include sexual intimacy. Not from schools and I'm afraid not enough from parents. He loves me Dr. Fred. We've been together six months and I can trust him totally. He'll always love me and he'll never leave me. I get this so very often. Now I understand pretty well moral and ethical development and theories of love, and how it takes sufficient time to attain an understanding and appreciation for love, respect, and trust. But I also know that even young children can learn the foundational characteristics that define and qualify each so long as they are exposed frequently enough through adult instruction and models in everyday life. I meet many, many adolescents that tell me they want love, respect, and trust in their relationship but then misread, misidentify, or misinterpret when they supposedly do. Heck, there are many adults that do as well!
What this tells me is that far too many parents have not had enough significant or meaningful discussions with their kids over time about these three ingredients, much less the importance and necessity of having them as a prerequisite for sexual intimacy. Do you think I'm right? Can you tell me how much time you have spent with your child addressing the three biggest sex words? Whether your child is five, ten, or fifteen years of age, have you done your best to instill in her the importance of forging a relationship with a life partner that is steeped in mutual love, respect, and trust? If we want our children to value being responsible, to show respect for others, to be trustworthy and honest, and to have empathy towards others, it follows that we would want them to seek these values as well when it comes to deciding whom to share sexual intercourse with.
Yet, many times when I ask parents whether they would want their children to be sexually active only when they have real love, respect, and trust in a relationship, many of them say that this would be expecting too much and would be far too unrealistic. After all, what's wrong with just enjoying a good sexual relationship, I am frequently told. Are you wondering the same thing? What's the big deal about two people wanting to share some good old sex together? Why do we have to tell our kids that they can't have sex, can't do something that can be fun as hell to do, unless they are in love first and have mutual respect and trust with the person they're going to be doing it with? If I didn't live by those standards, parents have asked me, then why should I ask my kids to do it? Plus it's just so old fashioned.
Sex can be good; it can be very good. And without question it is a message our kids need to hear. But make no mistake about it, it can also be very bad, even deadly. Along with teaching our kids about sexual decisions and making good choices, we also need to spend much more time instilling in them an awareness of the values that are essential for establishing a sexual relationship that is as risk free as is possible. I could spend an entire year in middle school as well as in high school just exploring with kids what love, respect, and trust are, how to know when you have them, how to show and experience them, and the importance of having them in a relationship, and it would be a very worthwhile sex education experience. You can do the same with your kids at home. There is just no way around it...you cannot go wrong when you teach your child the three biggest sex words that exist.
