The Problem With Being Too Polite

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In our quest to maintain harmony, avoid conflict, and prevent hurt feelings, we’re sometimes tempted to sugarcoat the truth. While being polite is generally seen as a positive trait, excessive politeness can muddy the waters of communication, leading to misunderstandings and leaving important issues unresolved.

As I explain in my book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, taking responsibility for your emotions and allowing other people to take responsibility for their emotions is a key component in healthy relationships and responsible communication. Your job isn’t to soften the blow when delivering bad news to the extent that you leave others feeling confused about your intentions.

Fortunately, there are some strategies that can help you foster more direct communication while still being kind.

Why We Sugarcoat

Whether we’re turning down a social invitation, disagreeing with a colleague, or asking for what we need, sugarcoating comes into play in many different scenarios. But, regardless of what we’re talking about, here are some common reasons we become overly polite:

• Fear of Conflict. Many people avoid direct communication because they're afraid of conflict. They believe that softening their words will minimize the risk of argument or hurt feelings.
• Desire to Please. Some individuals have a strong desire to be liked and accepted, leading them to sugarcoat the truth to avoid displeasing others or to maintain a positive image.
• Cultural Norms. In some cultures, indirect communication is the norm, and being overly polite is a way to show respect and maintain social harmony.

The Downside of Overly Polite Communication

While being polite has its merits, excessive politeness can create new issues. Whether you deliver difficult news with a smile or you repeatedly thank someone while attempting to express your displeasure, here are the dangers of sugarcoating:

• Misinterpretations. When messages are wrapped in layers of politeness, the true intention or meaning can be lost. This can lead to misinterpretations, where the receiver may not fully grasp the seriousness or urgency of the message.
• Unresolved Issues. Sugarcoated messages can prevent important issues from being addressed. When feedback is not clear, the recipient might not recognize the need for change or improvement.
• Frustration and Resentment. Over time, the lack of clarity can lead to frustration and resentment, especially if one party feels they are not being heard or understood.

Strategies for More Direct Communication

Although being straight-forward feels uncomfortable at first, it can ultimately help the relationship over the long-term. It's possible to be kind and direct at the same time. Here are some strategies that can make communication become more direct:

1. Write out your talking points in advance. Spend a few minutes thinking about the message you want to deliver and how you can communicate it effectively. Pay attention to the things that you're tempted to say, like, "We can still be friends," to avoid hurting the other person. Edit and revise your script as needed to ensure you're not sending mixed signals.
2. Be clear and concise. Clarity is key to effective communication. Strive to be clear and concise in your messages, ensuring that your intent is unmistakable. The longer you speak, the more likely your words may become confused.
3. Use constructive feedback. When providing feedback, be direct but also constructive. Saying things like, "I need you step up," isn't helpful. Offer specific examples and potential solutions to make the conversation more productive.
4. Practice empathy. Understand the perspective of the person you are communicating with. You might start the conversation by acknowledging, "This is a difficult conversation but it's important." This will help you frame your message in a way that is both honest and considerate.
5. Establish the tone. While it's important to be direct, maintaining a warm and respectful tone can help ensure that your message is received positively. Just make sure you aren't being incongruent by smiling while you deliver sad news or laughing while setting a boundary. Don't confuse a respectful tone with a mixed message.
6. Encourage openness. Foster an environment where open and honest communication is valued. Encourage others to express their thoughts and feelings frankly. Listen to feedback and provide clarity when necessary.

While it's natural to want to spare others' feelings, overly polite communication can sometimes do more harm than good. By striving for more direct and honest interactions, we can reduce misunderstandings and cultivate relationships built on trust and clarity. Remember, the goal is not to abandon politeness but to balance it with honesty, ensuring that our communications are both kind and effective.

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