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I bet you are a kind person,
until someone tries to cut in front you as you stand in line.
I bet you can be friendly,
until the guy at the coffee station wants to tell you about his awful morning and you had other plans for your attention.
I bet you know how to be patient,
until the woman driving the car in front of you is talking on her cell phone and didn’t see the light had turned green.
Although you are generally a good person, I imagine there are times you engage in long rants about what is wrong with other people and often judge the people you think judge you, but then you avoid uncomfortable conversations even though you know it’s the right thing to do.
I have an inkling about this because it applies to me too.
The good news…we are normal people with a human brain.
No matter how virtuous you can be, your brain will prompt reactions before your “higher self” has a chance to choose what to do. The brain responds to stimuli long before your capacity for logic, compassion, and discerning thoughts can be formed. Your immediate reactions often produce bad results and can be mentally and physically exhausting as you work hard to justify your behavior.
Because of your brain’s quick reaction time, it’s not how you react but how you act following a reaction that matters. You can become aware of your emotions and rationalizations and then tell your brain what you would like to think and do differently.
Below are common mental processes and tips for taking back control of your choices. You will need to practice being present to yourself, which takes both the desire to grow and the patience to learn. Start today by reviewing your behavior from yesterday. Then work on decreasing the gap in time between your reactions and your ability to stop and ask yourself why you thought or acted as you did.
If you practice noticing your behavior and questioning it at least once a day, your ability to notice your reactions and then choose what to do next will quickly improve. Instead of judging yourself for behavior you can’t seem to control, you will feel more content with your choices.
The brain is paranoid.
Since the primary job of the brain is to protect you, when people react unexpectedly your brain tends assume they are trying to hurt (ignore, cheat, disrespect) you or not give you what you want unless you know from experience that they have good intentions.
BRAIN TIP – Notice when you assume bad intent. For example, when someone cuts ahead of you in line, interrupts you, or tactlessly responds to you, catch yourself thinking they wanted to harm or disrespect you. Ask yourself what else is possible. Maybe the person had a distracting problem in mind or didn’t understand you. Set your assumption aside and be curious. Ask what they meant by their words and actions before you choose how to respond.
The brain is judgmental.
In order to discern if a situation is safe or not, the brain must make immediate judgments about people and situations. Your brain naturally discriminates and judges, thinking negatively or positively without evaluating the evidence.
BRAIN TIP—Notice when you discount what someone says or blindly believe “the facts” someone shared with you because they reinforce what you believe. Before you ignore or repeat opinions, ask yourself how you know what you believe is true. Choose to laugh at your criticisms and then research what people tell you so you can make informed decisions on your own.
The brain is rebellious.
If unsolicited, most people don’t like to be told what to do, even if the advice or direction is good. We disregard advice from people we don’t like. Even if we trust the source, we often don’t do what we know is right.
BRAIN TIP – Catch yourself reacting defensively or shutting down when you hear or read advice you didn’t ask for. Separate the words from the source and ask yourself what is best for you to believe and do right now. It’s never too late to change your mind.
The brain is a master rationalizer.
When you get upset or angry, you instantly justify your behavior especially when the effects of your words or action cannot be easily reversed. Your brain likes to be at peace with its decisions regardless of the consequences.
BRAIN TIP — Choose to be thoughtful instead of being right. After you make a quick decision or have an unsettling conversation, ask yourself if you have a good reason or just a brilliant rationalization for your actions. Claim responsibility for your choices. Choose to do what is right even if it isn’t convenient. Say your sorry if you need to. You will feel better when you are clean than when you feel righteous.
The key to outsmarting your brain is to stay alert. Check in frequently to see what your brain is doing. Don’t beat yourself up for reacting; tell your brain what to do while you have the chance.
Find more ways to master your brain in Outsmart Your Brain: How to Make Success Feel Easy and check out more tips at www.outsmartyourbrain.com
