“You Look Great!”—How a Compliment Can Easily Backfire

Compliments Can Backfire--What to Say Instead

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Co-authored with Joel Klepac, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

As a therapist, I (J.K.) hear echoes of the same story over and over. An intended compliment lands upon the recipient in a totally unintended way. I’m continually amazed at how innocent words such as, “You look great” can stimulate mistaken beliefs and generate suffering.

Sadly, sometimes the giver of the compliment doesn’t even know it’s happening.

Even with the best of intentions, it’s easy to end up with an impact that’s the opposite of what you intended. Two scenarios below offer examples of how this can easily happen, followed by three easy tips for a healthier way of relating.

Scenario One

A therapy client and I (J.K.) are working on an eating disorder, finding where the core beliefs became lodged. Often, it was a situation from middle school—a relationship break-up or perhaps being bullied. Experiencing some kind of trauma led to not eating for a couple of weeks.

Then comes a compliment from a friend that totally backfires. Maybe it’s an enthusiastic, "Wow, you look great!" In a flash, this praise ignites an inner (and often unconscious) thought: "Oh, people care more about me if I lose weight. So many things feel out of control—but I can control people’s affection by not eating.”

Scenario Two

Consider a busy parent who seems not to notice their child until a good grade appears. In the absence of attention and connection, a sudden outpouring of well-intentioned praise can feel like a volcanic eruption. It can trigger the subtle thought, "Wow, my grades make me valuable—I'm noticed when I achieve!” The end result can be a skewed view of self-worth and an exaggerated anxiety around grades, exams, and performance.

A similar dynamic can occur with athletic success or high praise for being “nice.” The end result in all of these scenarios is a mistaken mindset: “My worth is totally tied to this desirable behavior.”

Young Parts Get Triggered

Internal Family Systems, a therapy modality developed by Richard Schwartz, recognizes that we all have internal parts within us—young parts and older parts, scared parts and adventuresome parts, and others as well. Working with your parts can bring benefits on many levels, both internally and in your most valued relationships.

Sometimes these inner parts—especially younger parts—can get triggered by just a hint of failure because failure means that part won’t be seen or valued. Of course, we know this line of thinking is false, but often it feels true, bringing with it potentially high degrees of emotional pain and suffering.

Often, very well-intentioned individuals offer compliments and praise out of a desire to uplift and connect. Such praise is often tied, directly or indirectly, to a person’s relationship with the norms of a specific group or institution.

Sadly, such praise can easily reduce an individual’s dignity to their level of conformity with the group’s expectations rather than supporting their inherent dignity and worth. So, what’s a better way?

Alternatives to Compliments and Praise

Pause and reflect for a moment—do you want your worth to fluctuate according to an external standard? This is where your values (spiritual or otherwise) can be helpful.

Consider this question: What makes your friends valuable to you? Do they increase in worth as humans if they achieve more at work or school? Is that why you love them?

When I (J.K.) ask this in therapy, I get answers like, “I don’t know…it’s just who they are.”

“And when they blow it, they don’t diminish in value as a person?”

“Of course not,” is their typical response.

However, our culture often focuses on external achievements and the rise of social media is not helping. No wonder it’s a “reflex” to comment on externals like appearance and performance.

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Attuning to Needs Rather Than Norms

One answer is to exit the game of “right and wrong” and enter a more life-giving focus on what needs are present. This approach comes from the work of Marshall Rosenberg and his focus on compassionate communication.

Returning to our example above, when you see that someone has lost weight and you want to give them a compliment, just pause and take a deep breath.

Simply ask, “How are you doing?” See them and hear them. Appreciate them as a person of infinite value. Know there may be much more to their inner world than meets the eye.

Bringing Gentle Curiosity

Similarly, when you see someone’s success in school, in the arts, or in athletics, appreciate the hard work they put into it. Ask with gentle curiosity, “How’s it been for you?”

Listen with your full attention—that in itself can be a rare gift in today’s hectic world.

See if you can understand them from the bigger frame of what they’ve navigated, how they’re feeling, and what they’re needing now.

By staying attuned and listening to the ways they want to be accompanied and supported—even when it might not be your first instinct—you can see them as a whole person, with nuanced feelings, very human needs, and inherent dignity.

A Deeper Kind of Relating

We all want to be seen, heard, and understood. Praise can unintentionally stimulate pain because it focuses on an external aspect of the person, rather than seeing the bigger picture of who they are and what they’re navigating.

You don’t have to settle for the “candy” of compliments—especially since they can so easily backfire.

Instead, offer attunement, gentle curiosity, and deep listening. Better relationships await!