5 Signs That It's Time to Walk Away From a Relationship

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Choosing whether to stay or leave a romantic relationship can be very stressful. There may be shared property, shared pets, or children that can influence a decision to leave. Similarly, if one person’s financial stability is reliant on the other, they may be more inclined to stay in an unsatisfying relationship.

While being in a relationship can be a very rewarding experience for many, we have to be able to discern whether the relationship is supportive of our growth or stifling it. We also have to be able to differentiate between common relationship difficulties that can be treated—such as the romantic spark fading or communication breakdowns—versus more serious red flags that indicate the relationship should end, like the 5 below.

1. A compulsive “need” to be perfect. Anyone who is involved with a highly narcissistic partner is likely to experience a compulsive desire to be “perfect” for their partner. They may face body-shaming from their partner, who might give looks of disapproval or disgust surrounding their partner’s body, style of dress, or hairstyle, or engage in other behaviors aimed at making their partner feel more insecure and themselves feel superior.

More grandiose narcissists tend to have limited tolerance for imperfection in their lives, as they expect both themselves and those they are with to be “perfect.” The reason is that human imperfection threatens their ego and fragile self-worth, triggering feelings of worthlessness and a compulsion to regain a sense of “perfection” in their lives.

2. The relationship is trauma-bonded. Trauma-bonded relationships are identified by intense highs and lows, high levels of “makeup to breakup” patterns, abuse, infidelity, boundary violations, narcissism, coercive control, and significant upheaval within the relationship. Yet because of unprocessed trauma, attachment wounding, or not having an authentically healthy relationship with which to compare this dynamic, many people find themselves “stuck” in this kind of situation.

They may vehemently insist that it is love, and often struggle with dependency on the other person for basic needs or to feel complete. Yet remaining stuck in this kind of relationship while holding out hope that things will change and become healthy is one of the biggest predictors in identifying these relationships. Many people end up overstaying in a situation that is detrimental to their emotional health—and often their safety.

3. You’re in it for the wrong reasons. Many people struggle with being alone. For them, being alone can trigger a cruel inner critic that is relentless and makes them feel worthless.

Thus, they may develop a compulsion to “always” be in a relationship. They may have a history of many exes, may easily detach from one relationship when they feel their partner is unresponsive, and may immediately “chase” after another relationship as a placeholder.

However, a deeper diver into this pattern often discloses a history of attachment wounding, deep fears of abandonment or rejection, and choosing a partner out of desperation and fear. The outcome is that many find themselves with a partner who uses them, mistreats them, or where there is little emotional intimacy or compatibility.

4. A constant “need” for distraction. A common phenomenon that affects the quality of a romantic relationship is technology and compulsive use of technology. Many find themselves in relationships with a significant other who has a pattern of phone-snubbing them (often called "phubbing") during conversations. Existing research supports that those with an insecure attachment style are much more likely to “phub” their partner or others. However, the reasons for doing so can differ.

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For example, those who are more anxiously attached may “phub” their significant other more often because they are multitasking on their phone to keep others in close proximity, such as answering other texts, responding on social media, etc. On the flip side, those who are more avoidantly attached also tend to have higher incidences of “phubbing” behavior. However, the reasons they engage may be to avoid social interaction with their partner or maintain emotional distance from the other person. Avoidantly attached partners may be less likely to multitask other conversations to “phub” their partner and may be more inclined to endlessly scroll on social media.

5. Limited empathy. Healthy relationships require that both partners have the capacity to emotionally relate to the other person, not only in the good times but also when things are difficult. Empathy is based on being able to feel what the other person is feeling, to provide comfort, and emotional support, and to put yourself in their shoes.

When a partner is lacking in emotional empathy, it can make the other person feel alone, empty, and misunderstood. This is especially common in a relationship where a partner is narcissistic and minimizes or dismisses their partner’s emotional pain, or uses toxic positivity to smooth things over while remaining emotionally disconnected.

Deciding to Stay or Leave

Choosing whether to stay or leave an unsatisfying relationship is something that requires weighing out your options, and examining whether the relationship is truly sustainable. Less unhealthy relationship dynamics may be treatable—by, for example, going to couples therapy to build a connection and learn more supportive ways of communicating with each other. However, more toxic relationships (i.e. those that are trauma-bonded) are not sustainable and the longer you remain in a volatile or unpredictable situation, the more destructive it can be to your overall well-being and psychological health.

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