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Key points
- A good friend lifts you when you are blue, gives suggestions when you need them.
- Many people, especially as they get older, lament the lack of friends in their lives.
- Being a friend means taking an interest in someone and regularly reaching out to them.
Life is busy. Things change. We transition. It can be hard to find and keep good friends. Statistics show the average American will move just over 11 times in their lifetime, only about twice by the time they are 18 but six times by the time they are 30.
People change jobs quite a bit, too; between the ages of 25 and 34, the median tenure is 2.8 years.
People also change partners – the divorce rate for first-time marriages is about 43 percent, and it jumps to 60 percent for second marriages and 73 percent for third marriages. Suffice to say; people are always moving, changing, and finding new avenues in life.
Friends tend to change, too. Friends you had in childhood may move somewhere else or stay put while you move away. Those from college came from different places, and the ones you left at the last job might fall out of favor when you no longer work together.
When people divorce, the friend situation changes dramatically because you may have had couple friends or friends who enjoyed both you and your spouse but are more uncomfortable with just one of you.
In the family dynamics, a busy household where kids have commitments, two parents may work, or you could be caring for elderly or sick relatives, and finding time for friends and making new ones always seems to go to the back burner. But we know friends are important.
A good friend lifts you when you are blue, gives suggestions when you need them, provides a sounding board, loves you unconditionally, is a buddy when you are trying to effect change, and picks up the phone to listen when you need it the most. They are fun to be with, often enjoy the things you enjoy, and might introduce you to new ideas and experiences.
Many people, especially as they get older, lament the lack of friends in their lives. As you age, you may lose friends to death or disability, and even in younger years, friends can be transitory and may not stay around. Some people seem to have more friends than they can find time for, while others feel lonely more often than not.
What’s the great secret to finding great friends – and keeping them? Be a friend. All too often, psychological barriers prevent you from reaching out. The concern about someone rejecting you, or the belief they should be the one to make the outreach, not you, can hold you back from investing in a friendship.
There are the “should” assumptions. A friend should do certain things, be a certain way, and communicate how you believe they should. You may push away good friends because you think they should do things in a certain manner.
To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Being a friend doesn’t mean you say “yes” to everything or that you ignore bad and insulting behavior, but it does mean you make an effort to care about the other person – what they think, feel, do and want in life.
Being a friend means being curious and interested. It means practicing active and reflective listening skills. It means asking more questions about the other person rather than wanting to talk about yourself all of the time. It means being the one to call when you think the other person should be the one to do it.
Being a friend means taking an interest in someone, whether you meet them through work, volunteering, religious institutions, neighborhood walks, school events, or on an educational journey. Don’t pass people over because you think they are boring, not informed, or introverted. Everyone has a story to tell, and by allowing an open space for someone to tell their story, you may find you enjoy their company.
Not everyone will be a friend or needs to be your friend. Sometimes people are content with just one or two very close and reliable friends. Search people out and when you find someone who fits you, make an effort to sustain and deepen the relationship by listening to and caring about the other person.
And be sure to pick up the phone, send a text, or drop by to visit when you can. Most people seek connection but don’t have time to find it, so be the one to extend the branch without waiting and be the friend you’d like to have for someone else.
