When the High-School Jerk Grows Up

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We never actually leave the high school cafeteria. Our adolescent personas live within us. Even as adults, we remember the jocks, prom queens, misfits, and, of course, the bullies.

There is no universal outcome for bullies as they grow older. Their trajectories are shaped by various factors, including temperament, access to medical and mental health resources, support networks, family backgrounds, and engagement with community services. Often, childhood bullies were themselves suffering children, frequently victims of abuse and exploitation. For that reason, if their trauma is left untreated, it is likely that their struggles will persist well into adulthood.

Potential Outcomes of High School Bullies

• Mental Health Issues: Former bullies are at a heightened risk of developing mental health issues due to unresolved childhood trauma and difficulties in self-soothing and emotional regulation.
• Self-Destructive Coping Mechanisms: Those who were bullies as children may be more likely to exhibit high-risk behaviors such as reckless driving, increasing their likelihood of life-threatening accidents.
• Drug and Substance Use: In most cases, children who are bullies have attachment wounding and trauma history and are at a greater risk of using drugs and alcohol as a means to numb their pain.
• Continued Violence: Individuals who were bullies in childhood may continue to exhibit violence and antisocial behavior as adults. Children who were bullies are often victims of domestic violence and were themselves abused, which elevates their risk of engaging in criminal behaviors as adults.
• Social and Relationship Troubles: Bullies may struggle to form and maintain healthy and stable relationships in adulthood. They may repeat dysfunctional relationship patterns they inherited from their abusive families and may never have learned how to be in a healthy relationship.
• Employment and Academic Challenges: Due to a lack of social skills and destructive coping strategies, individuals who were bullies in childhood may face difficulties with authority figures, leading to struggles in their academic and professional lives.

Adult Bullying

Adult bullying consists of several behaviors, including: public humiliation, the invasion of other people's personal space, mocking, threats, boundary violations, physical altercations, sexual harassment, and more.

Here are some strategies for dealing with adult bullying if you find yourself the victim:

• It’s Not About You: Don’t take the attacks personally. In many cases, bullying behavior stems from internalized shame and unhealed childhood trauma. Remember, hurt people hurt people.
• Avoid Their Traps: The bully’s goal is to provoke and get a reaction. Respond calmly from a mature place, avoiding any indication that they are bothering you. Remember, negative attention is still attention.
• Choose Your Response Wisely: Be intentional in your response. If the behavior is not overtly threatening to your physical or mental well-being, ignoring the offense may be an option. If ignoring feels like submitting to the bully, confronting them in a safe and efficient manner is also an option.
• Give the Bully a Chance to Reroute Their Actions: You can consider giving the bully a chance to correct themselves and apologize. You can do this by asking questions such as “What makes you say that?” or “That sounds mean.”
• Be Mindful of Your Body Language: Pay attention to your posture and ensure you exude confidence. If you don’t appear annoyed, threatened, or hurt, the bully will lose interest.
• Maintain Eye Contact: Eye contact is the best way of connecting with another human, communicating empathy, and showing confidence. Even if it feels uncomfortable, look them in the eye until they look away.
• Defuse with Humor: If it feels right, respond with a joke or simply laugh at their comment.
• Move Away: You can consider switching seats or joining a separate conversation.
• Set Firm Boundaries: Remember, we dictate how we want to be treated. Make sure you are clear in voicing where your lines are. You can do this by saying, “I can’t let you talk to me like that.”
• Don’t Accept Takebacks: Often, bullies will revert to “Just kidding.” Remember, it’s a joke if everyone is laughing. Otherwise, it’s bullying. Reject fake apologies.
• Document the Offenses: Keep a record of the bullying incidents, including dates, times, and details of what happened. This can be useful if you need to report the bullying.
• Report the Bullying: If the situation escalates and becomes physically or emotionally threatening, take legal action to protect yourself.

What Can You Do as a Bystander?

“Not everyone has been a bully or the victim of bullies, but everyone has seen bullying, and seeing it, has responded to it by joining in or objecting, by laughing or keeping silent, by feeling disgusted or feeling interested.” –Octavia Butler

• Stand by the Victim: As a bystander, you might be afraid to speak up out of fear of being the next target or because you are desensitized. Dismissing the bullying behavior will not only empower the aggressor, but silence in the face of harassment makes us complicit.
• Confront the Bully: You can use a direct approach and confront the bully calmly and firmly. Using humor and deflection to shift the focus away from the bullied person is also an option.
• Ask for Support: The more people who stand against the bully, the faster the bully will be disempowered. Reach out to co-workers, human resources, community services, friends, family members, and mental health professionals for support. If necessary, report the situation to authorities or involve the police.
• Check-in With the Bullied Person: Make sure that the bullied person is safe and emotionally supported. If needed, involve other people and assist in removing the person from the harmful situation.

What Can You Do If You're the Bully?

• Understand the Root Causes: In many cases, bullies are often wounded children who have witnessed interpersonal violence or were exploited and abused themselves. Working through unresolved trauma is not easy but can help you acquire skills to self-sooth and prevent the projection of pain onto others.
• Seek Clinical Help: Psychotherapy is highly effective in healing unresolved trauma. A mental health practitioner can help us find healthy ways to cope with our pain and deeply rooted shame.
• Prioritize Self-Care: Self-care strategies such as sticking to a healthy diet, exercising regularly, and getting regular sleep will help heal your mind and body. Additionally, mindfulness practices such as meditation and yoga, spending time outdoors, or creative activities such as writing, art, or music are great tools for working through trauma.
• Avoid Destructive Coping Mechanisms: Abstaining from drug or alcohol abuse and monitoring risk-taking behaviors, such as speeding or drunk driving, is crucial to healing trauma.

Through self-reflection, therapy, and mindfulness practices, you can develop empathy, improve your social skills, and learn how to be comfortable with vulnerability. This journey will allow you to practice compassion and empathy and foster a deeper connection with yourself and others.

Dealing with a bully can be frightening and take a toll on your physical and emotional well-being. Make sure that you reach out to your community, co-workers, and loved ones for support. The most effective way to protect yourself from bullies is to connect with others and speak up. With the care of your loved ones, you will feel empowered and emotionally validated.

If you are experiencing physical symptoms or mental health concerns, consider reaching out to a primary care provider or mental health professional. A mental health professional can guide you in strategizing efficient coping strategies to alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety, boost your confidence, and help you learn how to handle bullies.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.