Insights on How to Parent Twins

Parents are the most important determinants of mental health in twins.

Developmental Differences Between Twins and Single Children

Twins, both identical and fraternal, develop very differently than single-born children. Twins have the comfort of one another as they share the womb and come into the world together. If twin infants could talk they might tell us that in the first months of their lives they experience themselves as a part of each other. Anecdotally, pediatricians, nurses and parents see the importance of infant twins being close to each other when they are born and throughout their early lives. Often, early separation can cause serious problems for normal emotional growth and development. In traumatic situations related to illness or emergency, one or both twins may demonstrate a failure to thrive.

The bond or attachment that twins are born with grows between them. Twin attachment is as crucial as the mother-child attachment in early life and onward. Without a doubt, the twin attachment deserves and requires respect from all of those who take care of each individual twin and the pair. When early parenting is inadequate or negligent, each twin will suffer in his own way. In most instances, even infant twins will turn to their co-twin for support. The presence of the co-twin is calming and nurturing in a way that siblings do not experience. While the twin bond serves to comfort twins it cannot replace the mother-child relationship. Inadequate parenting creates serious friction between twins.

As they grow into toddlers and school-age children, twins have an emotional need to rely on their co-twin for support, a sense of safety and direction. Attention is sought after and given back and forth by a twin pair in early life. This dynamic is the basis of the twin relationship. Regrettably, trying to overcome the need for attention, support, and direction is a lifetime project for twins to work on in different ways and at different times of their lives. For example, twins find attention from friends, romantic partners, mentors and relatives. The twin attachment and other close relationships are lifelong and affect each twin in different ways. I have said this over and over again: “Twins are born married and divorce is not an option even when estrangement is present and painful between the pair.”

Developing both individuality and respect for their co-twin is a crucial aspect of the parental role in order for twins to function in the outside world when they are alone together and when they are in social situations. Because individual identity and shared twin identity develop side by side, attention to both aspects of identity must be considered. There is no black and white plan for treating twins as individuals and as respectful twins. Tuning into both aspects of twin identity is an art. What is absolutely counterproductive is treating twins as a unit, which includes expecting them to rely on one another during their childhood.

Ways to Diffuse Emotional Connections Between Twins

Sensitivity to separation anxiety between twins is essential. But giving into separation anxiety because it is easier to keep the two together is a big mistake that parents make because they are overwhelmed and exhausted. A better option is to talk to your twins about how they might miss each other and be afraid to be on their own. It is very important to develop simple strategies or tools that twins can use when they miss their twin. For example, in childhood have each twin bring along a doll or stuffed toy that represents their co-twin. Learning to get along “alone” (without their twin) is really a doable and critical step in their healthy social emotional development. Social development will be stalled if twins do not learn to be alone.

Raising twins is a challenge for sure. When twins are seen as individuals who have a special twin connection, problems are easier to solve. Here are some suggestions that will help you and your twin children learn how to separate from each other on a daily basis.

1. Develop a unique attachment to each child. For example, Twin A might relax when he hears a certain song. Twin B may relax when he hears a special story. Don't expect that your children's reactions are interchangeable because they are not.
2. Find special toys and clothes that belong to one of the twins. Do the same for the other twin. Have toys and clothes that can be shared.
3. Sharing is a big issue with young twins, which causes fighting and tears. Talk to your children about how to share and why to share. Make a list with your twins of objects that can be shared and objects that should not be shared.
4. Friendships with other children are so important for twins. Sharing friends is natural and normal. However, it is very important for twins to make their own friendships and for separate friendships to be respected.
5. Comparison is part of the life of a twin and cannot be eliminated. Still, describing how your children are different is an effective way to relate to them as individuals.
6. When onlookers ask comparative questions, say, “Comparisons breed competition, which is hard on twins, who are trying to just be themselves. Please don't ask them questions about how they are the same and how they are different.” (Frankly, that is a lot to say to a stranger or even a friend.)
7. Talk to your children about how they are very much alike and also very different.
8. Missing your co-twin when they are young children is very common and very normal. Share this reality with your children when your twins are missing each other. Do not pressure your twins to be brave and strong when they are sad about being alone without their twin.
9. Teach your twins to give one another space and privacy.

Conclusion

Social emotional development that is proactive to develop individuality and a healthy twin attachment is certainly difficult to do, but also a golden gift that protects twins from anger and, later, estrangement. Be mindful of how you are treating your twins as special and different from one another. Affirm on a regular basis how much you cherish your children’s differences and unique abilities.

Allow anger and sharing between your twins, as these emotions promote individuality and respect for each other.

As always, feel free to ask questions of me or another twin expert.