The Rise and Fall of a Narcissist

Source: Photo by Jansel Ferma

Contrary to popular belief, narcissistic people are not created by trauma—at least not the typical understanding of trauma. The elements that play a role in how some individuals develop a personality disorder don’t resemble the same type of struggle for survival as those who live in fear. It’s also different from the type of traumatization involved in the development of other personality disorders.

What’s common to observe in those with narcissistic traits is the constant, extreme, and unrealistic praise for outstanding characteristics of some sort, distinguishing themselves in something, especially if that something is appreciated by those around them. It could be beauty, intelligence, or even height and hair color if those are highly valued by their community.

It's not far off to say that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) develops from a combination of inherent narcissistic traits, "favorable conditions" such as being spoiled, and being used as a token or an object for the satisfaction of significant figures like parents, teachers, coaches, or community leaders. In my book Traumatization and Its Aftermath, I explain how objectification affects the psyche of individuals who are used in various ways. The "brilliant" person then often reflects well on these figures, helping to compensate for their own deficiencies or shortcomings, which could include professional frustration, physical disadvantages, or even poverty.

That’s why people who develop NPD often experience distortions in their perception of their own value, the value of others, and the worth of their own actions from an early age. They are raised by, or live among, individuals who either promote their own needs over others’ or disregard the needs of those who are perceived as "less than" or as potential competitors.

This environment is at the root of the predominant sense of entitlement, fostering a belief that they are inherently deserving of special treatment. This sense of entitlement enables individuals to disconnect from their empathy and engage in behaviors such as breaking laws, exploiting others, and ignoring rules in pursuit of their perceived superiority and the position they believe they deserve. They come to see their needs as paramount, often disregarding the feelings and rights of others, which further entrenches their narcissistic behaviors and reinforces their distorted self-image.

Initially, this position may be seen as essential for the success of the group as a whole, rather than solely for the individual seeking it.

Commonly, people with NPD find motivation to work exceptionally hard to attain and preserve the grandiosity that was created for them and that they adopt as their identity. At some point, these traits become entrenched in their personality.

The need to succeed over others contributes to making them cold and detached, as their sense of success is tied to those in their inner circle. While they may project an image of being close and having many friends, deep down they often feel extremely lonely because their friends are either seen as competition or as tools for leverage. It’s common to hear them refer to themselves as impostors in the therapy office.

The disconnection from their core may be one reason why symptoms of NPD worsen as the person achieves many of their goals. Their behavior becomes more extreme and hurtful because they lack satisfaction even in cases where they obtain everything they were supposed to.

Dissatisfaction may be a hallmark of someone with NPD

After the roller coaster of emotional reactions that weaken individuals with NPD, they often seek to escape reality in various ways. They typically leverage their strengths—such as making money, capitalizing on their beauty, or showcasing their physical prowess—to maintain recognition. However, they may become obsessed with preserving this recognition while dreading the enormous effort required to sustain the illusion. Exhausted and fearful of being exposed, they might resort to drugs, sex, alcohol, trickery, conning, or other means to avoid confronting themselves, their limitations, and taking responsibility for their actions.

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Falling from grace is almost inevitable. As their decline becomes more evident, they begin to resent everyone, including those who once bought into their sense of importance. Over time, those who admired them may become disappointed. The individuals who ‘discover’ their hollowness are often those closest to them—partners or even children—who know them better than others and pose a threat to their fabricated image. This is why they inflict so much damage on those close to them.

When they can no longer control or manipulate those who could expose or unmask them, they feel lost and in danger

They may resort to extreme measures to eliminate these threats before risking exposure. This behavior often traps them, leading to significant financial, romantic, physical, and social consequences, typically in that order.

Many individuals with NPD speak about their difficult upbringings, play the victim, and even develop victim mentality as a means of exerting control over others. This has become even more common, since "trauma" is now frequently used to explain and justify almost any emotional challenge.

While it may be true that being used rather than being seen for who one is can be harmful and hurtful, it is not on the same scale as the suffering experienced by many others who face severe emotional threats or endure the worst from their families or societies, or who lack the advantages that contribute to the development of narcissism.

While it may seem unconventional, one might argue that individuals with NPD could be seen as relatively fortunate among those with personality disorders. Unlike individuals with other personality disorders who may be driven by intense fear, narcissists are often consumed with the desire to shine and make their parents "proud." They become detached not out of terror but because they are fixated on becoming the best, even if it means stepping on others to advance. This relentless pursuit of recognition, although it may appear impressive to others, often prevents them from achieving genuine peace of mind.

It’s also true that individuals with NPD may claim they were terrified of disappointing others. It’s undeniable that people with NPD suffer deeply and face significant hardships during their upbringing. Not being seen is a profoundly detrimental experience, and the need to conform to extreme standards to gain validation is painful. However, NPD is not a life sentence. When people with NPD acknowledge their suffering and become willing to embrace vulnerability, they can begin to heal. Emotional pain is not a weakness; it’s simply part of being human.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.