How to Make the Most of Your Relationships

This post was co-authored by Daniela Arcos, Elayne Zhou, and Jessica Borelli.

Think of the last time you had your favorite meal or sweet treat. When you had the very last bite, did you try to make it last as long as possible? Can you taste it even now? If so, you used a technique that psychologists find boosts everyday happiness and satisfaction: You savored the pleasurable experience of eating that delicious double-fudge brownie. Savoring is the deliberate practice of focusing on, enjoying, and prolonging the positive emotions associated with an experience.

Did you know that you can apply the same technique to your relationships to get added benefits not only for your well-being but also for your relationship quality? For example, how often do you try to stretch out the final seconds of a hug with a loved one before you have to say goodbye? Do you think about the warmth of the hug, maybe their familiar scent, or the sound of their voice long after you’ve parted ways? Savoring important moments of interpersonal connection is called relational savoring. The practice may allow you to harness the full potential of your relationships.

Relational savoring involves reflecting on and appreciating moments when you feel safe and connected to others. It is based in attachment theory, which states that early experiences in attachment relationships (e.g. with our parent/s or other caregivers) form the foundation for our socioemotional well-being. The ways in which caregivers respond to our emotional needs send powerful messages about relationships, the world, and our ability to get our needs met in the future. For example, Marcus feels comforted before bedtime when his grandmother offers a hug and explains that there are no monsters under the bed. As a result, Marcus learns that the important people in his life can serve an essential function, helping to anchor and support him in his emotional life. In another household, Lana cries out to her mother but is told to stop being noisy and to go to bed. Lana internalizes a very different kind of message: that important people in her life cannot be relied upon for comfort and that she should not communicate her emotional needs.

In adulthood, our relationships are complicated. We have positive interactions – ones that make us feel safe and accepted and safe – and we have other experiences in which we feel overlooked, rejected, and unsafe. Our lives are also busy and most of us don’t take the time to slow down and reflect. When we do reflect on our experiences, it’s easy to let our minds run with all the negative interactions of our day, even if we don’t intend to. We can spend a lot of time thinking about times when we were hurt or worrying about how we might be rejected in the future. This is important, because the more time we spend thinking about an experience, the more significance we grant to the experience.

However, when you make an effort to savor moments in which you felt secure, supported, protected, or accepted (or when you help others feel this way) you can play an active role in positively shaping the way you feel and think about relationships. By savoring these shared moments, you can also improve your ability to understand your own emotions and those of others. Perhaps a friend listens intently to your problems and makes you feel understood, a coworker gives you a reassuring smile and thumbs-up during a big presentation, or you hold a crying child after they scrape their knee on the playground. Shining a light on these experiences magnifies the importance you give them and the real estate they occupy in your mind. Reflecting and appreciating these interactions can boost your mood, strengthen your relationships, and support your overall well-being.

Researchers studying this technique have discovered links between relational savoring and increased positive emotions and relationship satisfaction, reduced negative emotions, and even improved cardiovascular health. The effectiveness of relational savoring in improving these domains of well-being has been tested in couples in long distance relationships, adolescents, older adults, and mothers of young children. To reap these benefits of relational savoring for your individual and interpersonal health, here are some easy steps you can take right now.

5 Steps to Make the Most of Your Relationships

Relational savoring involves deeply reflecting on a moment of close connection between you and someone else. Here are some simple instructions you can follow to engage in this technique.

First, select a memory that you would like to savor—one in which you felt safe, close, or connected to another person. You may wish to savor a memory of a time when you felt joy when helping someone else, or a time when someone needed you and you were there for them. It may be a time when you felt comforted, soothed, protected, or supported by another person. It could also be a time when you helped someone else feel this way. Feel free to choose something that you felt was a special moment or something that happens on a daily basis.

Once you have a memory you want to focus on, set yourself up for success by picking a calm time and setting in which you can reflect deeply on this shared experience. It may be helpful to use some simple mindfulness strategies to get in the right mindset before you begin.

When you are ready, bring the memory to mind and follow these five steps as you reflect on your memory:

1. Sensory reflection: At what time did the event occur? Where did it occur? What was the other person wearing? What were you wearing? What could you hear, smell, taste, see, and touch?
2. Emotional reflection: How were you feeling? Happy, safe, calm, comfortable, excited? Where did you feel these emotions in your body? Try to focus on the positive emotions and try to feel them in your body now.
3. Cognitive reflection: What were you thinking? “My friend really needed me at the moment”? “I’m happy I could be there for my brother”? “I’m lucky to have such a supportive mom”?
4. Future-oriented reflection: Focus on how close you felt to that person in the moment. How will this moment affect your relationship in the future?
5. Open-ended reflection: Let your mind wander and see what thoughts come to mind in relation to this moment of connection.

Relationships Essential Reads

The Most Important Quality a Romantic Partner Should Have

The Secret Superpower of Positive Memories

Once you know how relational savoring works, you have the tools to intentionally practice relational savoring in your day-to-day life. To collect new memories to savor, you will have to pay attention to moments of connection as they occur, which may be more often than you think.

Jessica Borelli is the author of the upcoming book, Relational Savoring: Using Guided Reflection to Strengthen Relationships and Improve Outcomes in Therapy, available for pre-order.