This Holiday, Give the Gift of CALM—to Yourself and Others

As you think about what gifts you might give others and what they might give you, this is the holiday season for folks to give the gift of CALM-MO. It is free, has no carbon footprint, no negative side effects, doesn’t add to unnecessary consumption, engenders reflection, and cultivates connection. And it is not a gimmick or a trick but rather is based on the best available psychological science.

What is it? First, let’s think about tension and irritability and wishing things were different, which are pretty familiar states of mind for many folks, perhaps especially during the holidays. These states can exist either between people (e.g., couples or families that are in intense conflicts) or within people (i.e., many people experience a constant stream of worry, inner conflict, or self-criticism). The basic structure of these processes can be framed by what is called a “triple negative neurotic loop.” Triple negative neurotic loops involve negative situations that trigger negative feelings that trigger negative secondary reactions (see here for more on this concept).

To put this in action, consider Susan, who is shy and finds herself being criticized by her boss just before the holiday break (negative situation). She then feels embarrassed and fearful and angry but cannot express any of that (negative feelings that are all bottled up). Then she criticizes herself and ruminates on how impossible her situation is.

We can frame her reaction via the acronym “CRITIC,” which stands for critical, resistant/rejecting, irritable/hostile, tense, insistent/inept, and closed. By critical, I mean she is blaming herself or others or just the world. By resistant, I mean she wants to escape and reject the situation, and by irritable-hostile, I mean she has aggressive feelings towards herself or others. By tense I mean she is defensive and feels vulnerable and under attack, and by insistent/inept and closed, I mean that she tells herself both that things have to be different going forward and she simultaneously feels trapped and closed in and “knows” that things will not be different (she feels helpless and hopeless).

If Susan could give herself the gift of CALM-MO, her mindset would shift. More specifically, the negative situation and her initial negative feelings would be the same—but the negative reaction of the CRITIC would shift dramatically.

CALM-MO is an integrative approach to psychological mindfulness that is grounded in unified view of psychological science and practice. It shines the light on the importance of secondary reactions to negative situations and negative feelings and highlights first how those negative reactions often result in vicious cycles we can label triple negative neurotic loops (inegative situations, negative feelings, negative reactions).

Much psychological ill-health emerges from this process. And we can learn to reverse it.

The gift of CALM-MO shifts you from mindless, defensive, negative reactivity to reflective responsiveness. This is the MO part, and it stands for your Metacognitive Observer. This is the part of you that can step outside your normal way of being in the world and reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and the situation you are in.

The MO also stands for Modus Operandi, which refers to your mode of operating; it signals that to learn how to activate and sustain your MO takes time. CALM reflects both the general attitude of the MO; it also is an acronym for the MO adopting the mindset of curiosity, acceptance, and loving compassion, and motivated toward valued states of being in the short and long term.

Source: Gregg Henriques

We can use the metaphor of a flashlight: When you give the gift of CALM-MO, you turn on your CALM-MO light. When you are bumped by a negative situation that brings forth negative feelings, rather than immediately reacting negatively, you shift your perspective. First, you step outside your normal way of being in the world to look at yourself “from above”. What is shining out of the flashlight is an inner mind's eye that is looking from a place of wisdom. Imagine it as the view of some wise person you respect, who is both looking over you and considering what is happening and what is best for you.

With this stance framed, then we move to cultivate the attitude of CALM. That starts with getting genuinely curious about the situation. It means wondering about what is really going on, where things came from, reflecting on what is it about you or the other person that led to this. This also means wondering about your negative feelings, and being open to what information are they giving you. One useful way of relating to your negative feelings is to shift from “Why do I have to feel this way?” to “I wonder what these feelings are telling me about what is important in life.”

Neuroticism Essential Reads

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Acceptance is the opposite of resistance, and it refers to the capacity to be with being in the moment, even if unpleasant. It also refers to things like tolerating distress and being robust in one's emotional constitution.

Loving compassion refers to recognizing that people, both self and other, are generally trying to do the best they can and are worthy of dignity. We do not wish suffering upon anyone.

Finally, motivated toward value states means being clear about one’s purpose, meaning, and values; reflecting on desired possible outcomes; and attempting to move in directions consistent with those values in the situation and over the long run. Although these descriptions sound simple, enacting them takes much practice and skill development, especially for folks who have developed strong CRITICs over the course of their lives.

If Susan were able to give herself the gift of CALM-MO, she would start by simply noting she was criticized by her boss. That is what happened. And, because she is a sensitive soul, it triggers strong feelings of escape and vulnerability, shame, guilt, and defensiveness.

Instead of hating that or wishing that was not the case or blaming the boss or herself, the CALM-MO stance is to simply accept what happened and be present with that awareness. It means learning to shift away from hating that feeling or from wishing situations did not happen or from wishing that she was a different kind of person.

In addition, via loving compassion, it means opening up an attitude that both she and her boss are doing the best they can. Of course, this does not mean that she and her boss both behaved optimally. But it does mean that we refrain from engaging in character assassinations and be oriented toward honoring the core dignity of ourselves and others. Finally, the CALM-MO light would orient Susan to reflect on the optimal outcomes she does want and the kinds of things she might do to move in that direction and be committed working toward that.

Holidays are a stressful time, and we are immersed in a massively stressful, consumer-driven culture where we shower each other with material gifts, stuff ourselves with food and alcohol, and anxiously wonder if our lives have real meaning. If we decide to give the gift of CALM-MO to ourselves and others this season, perhaps we can shift our ways of being in the world to much more authentic, grounded reflection and connection, and be better situated to nourish our souls and spirits with kindness and wisdom.