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Arrows, daggers, broken hearts, crimes of passion. If dating and the L word were pristine and uncomplicated, there wouldn’t be so many violent sayings, Lilith Fair tours, or audience questions for Wendy Williams. Navigating the game may vary from tribute to tribute, but there are general rules derived from carefully executed research that just might skew the odds in your favor.
The dating cornucopia is a vast network teeming with pumping organs, vacillating intentions, and contradictory advice. You can be well equipped with physical armor and incisive cognitive strength yet set yourself up for defeat with one wrong smite or creepy smile. A blunder I’ve witnessed in my mise-en-scène of choice, Le Bars of NYC, are pick-up lines. I’ve wondered when this salad of confusing and, at times flagrant, words came to fruition, and who in the Capitol has decided to keep them on the menu? Given the perceived imbalance between genders in the utilization of pick-up lines (with men being significantly more likely to utter a line than women), perhaps there are evolutionary differences to the male-vs.-female approach. To take it a step further, perhaps pick-up lines evolved from an evolutionary advantage—an advantage attached to humor.
The late literary genius and polemicist-provocateur Christopher Hitchens once proffered that wit is an unfailing sign of intelligence. If this is true, then it makes sense in the framework of evolutionary history that women would desire someone who can display their intelligence in a charming and winsome way. In fact, mating strategies may be predicated upon biological differences in male and female parental investment. While men are interested in transmitting their genes and have the opportunity to do so with as many women as desired, women’s chief concern rests on finding a partner who can invest time, energy, and resources into each child.
And this vestigial cognition left over from our ancestors may impact our choices—even if we ourselves are unaware of it while making decisions. Though research ascertains that both genders value the same components from a relationship, one of the biggest differences between sexes lies in the type of strategy deployed for mate selection. While men desire an attractive, young woman who can go head-to-head with Michelle Dugger in the fertility ring, women choose mates based on emotional stability, ambition, intelligence—and the ability to genetically and financially invest in their offspring. This might be one reason females have a rep for being pickier and harsher in their quest for a man. What’s more, it’s an explanation for women’s tendency to rely so heavily on the “provider” quality of a man—the intelligence and cognitive tools that can be wielded at the speed of lightning and forge an ambitious, safe path for one’s family and future offspring.
While wise to turn to humor and wit to buoy you to the top of the dating ladder, it might be risky to churn out trite pick-up lines suggested by various books. Though I was nearly concussion-bound when I fell from heaven and I don’t have a raisin but I can give you a date, research supports the notion that men’s flippant pick-up lines are generally ineffective and do not receive favorable responses. In one study, researchers had women watch videotapes of men using pick-up lines and, after asking them to evaluate the exchange, found the women favored more innocuous openers such as “Hi” or “How are you doing?” or even direct lines, like “I saw you from afar and I’d like to get to know you.” Notably, sexually overt openers received an unfavorable evaluation from women.
However, when roles were reversed and men were exposed to the same sexually overt or flippant one-liners from women, the men didn’t flip out. In fact, a casual “Hi” had the same favorability response rate as a sexual or cute one-liner. (Not too shocking, since a quick perusal of the pick-up-line book aisle confirms that these books are overwhelmingly written by men.) Thus, the study found that men don’t have a preference for how they are approached by women, so long as they are approached at all. Perhaps then, it is this apathy for receiving pick-up lines that leads men to overestimate their effectiveness: Since they don’t mind being approached in this way, why should women? Of course, there is also the possibility that some might think their attempt really is humorous and warrants a belly laugh—in which case, go easy on the bloke.
But before you conclude that men are completely apathetic to a lady’s pick-up line, consider another study that did find varying preferences among them. Investigators studying men at a university reported the highest levels of effectiveness when women were direct about their intentions and asked the Mr. for his number. The investigators’ reasoning was that, since evolutionary theory suggests women are the pickier sex (à la parental investment concerns), it is the woman who bears the Herculean weight of determining the fate and length of a conversation. In other words, unless ladies are completely clear about their intentions, men may have no idea how effective their approach is and ultimately be left frustrated, tail wagging and head-scratching.
Though none of these is inexorable truth and there is immense subjectivity in what comprises one’s funny bone, perhaps a general guerilla tactic for landing a bullseye through the gamemaker’s hog is to rely on the sharp, one-syllable, two-letter, earth-shattering “Hi.” As conversation progresses, body language and—yes—humor will hopefully send suitors the correct signal.
That’s it—a “hi”—and then you can go home a winner, digits in hand, and crack open your dog-eared Rob Lowe autobiography while the dust settles on your Lilith Fair reunion album, unscathed in all your funny glory.
Since the two studies found opposing results in men’s preferences for pick-up lines, with one study suggesting apathy while another suggesting a preference for direct initiation from women, which do you think is more effective?
References
Buss, D.M. (2008). Evolutionary psychology: The new science of mind (3rd ed.). Boston: Pearson.
Buss, D. M., & Schmitt, D. P. (1993). Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating. Psychological Review, 100, 204-232.
Cunningham, M. R. (1989). Reactions to heterosexual opening gambits: Female selectivity and male responsiveness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 15, 27-41.
Miller, R. S. & Perlman, D. (2009). Intimate Relationships. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
Wade, T. J., Butrie, L. K., Hoffman, K. M. (2009). Women’s direct opening lines are perceived as most effective. Personality and Individual differences, 47, 145-149.
