At What Point Does Too Much Sensitivity Become Insensitive?

There is an increasingly popular belief in our society that our words must be perfectly precise in order to make others feel safe.

Even as a psychologist specializing in suicidal ideation in teenagers and young adults, I am often informed, by well-meaning non-professionals, that it is better to say "she is suffering from a depressive episode" rather than "she is depressed." It is better to say "he is a suicide survivor" rather than "he previously attempted suicide."

I was raised by a parent who repeatedly attempted to take their own life, and by a second parent that continued to deny their spouse's intent. The idea that a change in verbiage will help someone who is struggling to stay alive feels insincere. It feels as if we need to minimize and deny, rather than to accept and address the suffering of our loved one.

I did not become a psychologist with the intention to minimize the suffering of other people, but to address their pain head-on. And to provide a safe space for their truth -- a space that is not dependent on the latest recommendations by an outside agency.

Finding a Safe Space

This year, under the comfort of the COVID blanket, I signed up for a yoga teacher training with the hopes of improving my physical practice, learning how to shut off my brain through meditation, and finding a community of like-minded people with whom I could learn and grow.

Finally, this would be the safe space I had spent my life waiting for. This would be the space where intent and impact would be explored and understood, and I would finally feel safe in a group of people for the first time in my life.

The past year-plus has been fairly frightening, with divisiveness and animosity threatening to take over our judgment like an overwhelming tsunami.

The BIPOC community and its allies pushed forward with the demand to ensure a “safe space” in schools, employment settings, and all other organizations. The intent was to encourage institutions to ensure that individuals are safe from discrimination, harassment, and emotional and physical harm.

But, sometimes, this idea can distort and limit our perspective. Instead of becoming a place of learning, this “safe space” can limit our ability to engage in critical thinking and self-analysis in order to remain part of the group.

How Do We Ensure a Safe Space?

Here are three things that all group members need to look out for in order to truly ensure a safe space for all:

1. Beware of Groupthink

Groupthink is the tendency of group members to conform in order to maintain membership. This makes the members feel safer since they are among like-minded people.

But, groupthink also results in a decrease in presenting original ideas and an increase in subconscious mimicking of the attitudes of other group members. Groups are formed out of common interests and beliefs, and anyone who steps out of line threatens the security of the group.

Any idea that is innovative or different is silenced. Often, the other group members will turn against them.

The “safe space” is now safe only for those who go along with the masses.

2. Social Pressure/Company Culture

If those who don’t agree with the group majority are often ostracized, the only way for a group to change is to follow the leader.

In an ideal world, this would mean that if one person volunteers at a soup kitchen, other members soon join them. Giving back to the community would then become a part of the group norm.

But, if one person in the group engages or condones violence in word or action for the purpose of protecting the group, others will quickly follow.

Recall Philip Zimbardo’s Stanford Prison Experiment. College volunteers were randomly assigned to the role of “guard” or “prisoner” for a social psychology experiment.

Within 36 hours violence had erupted. The “guards” employed physical and emotional torture tactics in an attempt to control the “prisoners.” The experiment which was intended to last two weeks was shut down after six days.

Violence is contagious, and directly related to the social norms that the group allows.

3. Gossip

The pen truly is mightier than the sword.

(Or in this case, we could say that the pen, the mouth, the text, and the social media commentary are all mightier than the sword.)

Historically, gossip was necessary for the continuation of the safety and well-being of the group. When food was scarce and societies had to pool together their resources in order to survive, it was imperative to know if Joe was stealing clean water from the well, or if Susan wasn’t harvesting her fair share of grains.

The survival of the group depended on it.

But, today, researchers tend to view gossip as evidence of cultural learning.

Technically, gossip is simply talking about someone when they are not around.

In a designated “safe space,” we would expect only positive/complimentary words to be spoken about someone behind their back. Each group member would feel comfortable approaching someone if they felt unsafe.

But, that’s not the way this plays out in the real world.

On the upside, speaking positively about someone without their knowledge increases the individual’s group clout. The more we talk about celebrities, the more larger-than-life they become. It stands to reason that the clout of everyday people also increases when we speak positively about them, regardless of whether they are around.

But, what about gossip that isn’t positive?

This kind of gossip positively affects the people who are in power, the individuals who are talking negatively about the other group member.

Do you know why?

The answer is simple: The only way for there to be an in-group is to exile someone to the out-group.

And what happens to your safe space when you do that?

So, What Now?

It has been an absurd, anxiety-provoking, hostile few years. And most of us are just looking for a place to belong, for a group that can keep a safe space for all group members — even if someone says something that not everyone agrees with.

As the world struggles to right itself, I suggest we all take extra care to make sure that the safe spaces that we choose to be a part of are kept sacred.

Sacred, but not sanitized.

Allow for the wiggle room of growth, change, and the occasional dissent.

Without that wiggle room, there is no space that is truly safe, no matter how many times we label it as such.