Are You on Top of Your (Flirting) Game?

Why is it that some people know how to attract the attention of dating partners while others have a more difficult time? It would be very helpful for therapists to help clients learn effective dating strategies. The emphasis here is on the word effective. Some flirting approaches work beautifully, while others are ineffective and off-putting.

In an attempt to identify effective flirting strategies, Apostolou and Christoforou (2020) conducted two studies. In Study #1, there were 487 Greek-speaking individuals who identified as male and female. In the first study, participants were presented with open-ended questionnaires. They were asked to write about the flirting of others that motivated them to consider becoming involved in further contact. Overall, there were 47 traits that appeared to make flirting effective. Wow.

In Study #2, the participants were 808 Greek-speaking individuals who identified as male or female. Participants were asked to rate each of the 47 traits on a 1 to 5 scale. The higher the number, the more likely that these flirting styles would be experienced as positive. These 47 traits were then classified into nine categories. Here is the list of nine factors and the behaviors within each category:

1. Gentle approach

• She/he is not moving fast.
• Seriousness.
• Respect.
• Discreteness.
• Maturity.
• Politeness.
• Good character.
• Patience.
• Kindness.
• Honesty.

2. Good looks

• Good looks.
• Good dressing.
• Comfortable with his/her spending.
• Charm.

3. Courage and determination

• Courage.
• Determination.
• Boldness.
• Directness.
• Straightness.
• Self-confidence.
• Persistence.

4. Intelligence

• Intelligence.
• Education.
• Interesting personality.
• Good with words.
• Humor.

5. Cheerfulness

• Cheerfulness.
• Easygoingness.
• Spontaneity.
• Pleasantness.
• Positivity.

6. Non-verbal behaviors

• The way he/she looks at me.
• Intense gaze.
• Nice smile.
• Nice smell.
• Way of approach.

7. Mystery

• Mystery.
• Unusual hobbies.
• Originality.

8. Common characteristics

• Common characteristics.
• Common interests.

9. Strong interest and romance

• Romance.
• Tenderness.
• Intense interest in me.
• Sweetness.
• Interest to learn things about me.
• Nice compliments.

According to Apostolou and Christoforou (2020), the three most important factors were having good non-verbal behavior which included making good eye contact, being intelligent which included being smart and funny and having a gentle approach which included respect and not moving too fast. Interestingly, some factors differed between the sexes. Men tended to view good looks as more effective while women viewed the gentle approach as more effective. Perhaps the gentle approach was seen as correlated with a desire for something more than simply a sexual relationship.

Despite these fascinating results, it would be important to see if the above results are replicated in other cultures. In the meantime, how do you think you are doing with your flirting approach?