How to Stop Judging Yourself for Your Feelings

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Have you ever had a strong emotional reaction and then judged yourself for it? Told yourself that you shouldn't have gotten so angry, or that you should have had better coping skills? It is a common rut that we all fall into. We think or feel something, then beat ourselves up for it.

Self-criticism can feel productive. If we beat ourselves up, perhaps we will behave better in the future. Unfortunately, when big feelings happen again, as they always do, we then see ourselves as out of control, weak, or like there's something wrong with us.

The reality is that self-criticism does not help you learn. When you judge your thoughts and feelings, you are using the default mode network (DMN). This thought network is responsible for your inner monologue and is automatic. You listen to these thoughts; you don't create them.

When you keep going over something you did wrong in your head, it strengthens the DMN's self-critical pathways in the brain, contributing to the development of anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. When you are feeling anxious, sad, and overwhelmed from beating yourself up all the time, you will have fewer emotional/mental resources available and therefore will be more likely to lose your cool.

What should you do instead? Try these four steps.

1. Let the negative thought or feeling go. When you feel the urge to start criticizing yourself, remember that negative thoughts and feelings are automatic. You experience them. Therefore, stop beating yourself up. Take a deep breath. Remember all the wonderful things you have done, from having been there for a friend to loving your children. You are more than this one outburst.

2. Look at the conditions that caused it. Instead of pointing the finger at yourself (I'm such a bad person), investigate what aspects of your situation may have caused the outburst. Are you tired, sick, or hungry? Are you overworked? Did someone yell at you earlier and put you on edge? Do you have needs that are not being met?

3. Problem-solve the situation, not yourself. Once you see what led up to the situation, problem-solve ways to improve it. For example, if you are really tired, perhaps cancel your plans for the evening and get to bed early. Or, if you are in crowded places all day and feel overstimulated, prioritize some alone time. This is how to love yourself back to balance.

4. Apologize or repair any negative consequences. If you yelled at someone, apologize for what you said, and how you said it. Explain what you learned in the steps above (that you were tired, overstimulated, sick). Let them share how the situation made them feel and acknowledge those feelings. Problem solve other ways to handle this type of situation in the future. Having a game plan can help you let go of what happened and move forward.

At the end of the day, we don't create our negative thoughts and emotions, we experience them. Therefore, criticizing ourselves for having them is not going to make things better. It will only make things worse. What makes things better is being compassionate with ourselves, taking care of ourselves, and talking things through when life gets hard.