Verified by 
Key points
- Abusive partners often seek to diminish and control the other person in the relationship.
- Your goal should be to display respect for a friend's decisions and confidence in their judgment.
- Remind your friend how it feels to be around someone who loves and supports them without tension or drama.
Lauren could tell right away that her friend Tom’s new girlfriend Mia was not a good match for him. She seemed insecure and possessive, discouraging Tom from going out with his friend group. When Mia did come out for trivia night at their favorite pub to meet the gang, she sulked in a corner, refusing to participate in the activity until finally Tom gave up and left early with her. Lauren checked in with others in the group and learned that they all felt the same way: They worried that Tom’s new relationship was unhealthy, but they didn’t feel it was their place to say anything.
Marcie didn’t wonder whether her sister Rachel’s boyfriend was bad news: She was sure of it. Rachel had been dating Shaun for years, and Rachel could see clearly their dynamic was dysfunctional and abusive. Shaun drank excessively most nights. He had a bad temper. Rachel confided in Marcie that sometimes Shaun could be violent and intimidating – but then swore her sister to secrecy.
There are many kinds of unhappy relationships, ranging from those that are clearly abusive to those that just seem miserable. Anyone can get sucked into a relationship and find it hard to extract themselves. Many factors can prevent a person from swiftly exiting: financial concerns, hope that things will change, love and concern for their partner, religious or cultural beliefs about being partnered vs. single — the list goes on and on. Often the people in these relationships know that they are unhappy but feel ambivalent about ending things. When someone is ambivalent about making a change, sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is not to give a lot of advice, but rather act as a safe and supportive sounding board as they figure out what to do.
Abusive partners often seek to diminish and control the other person in the relationship. They make their partners doubt their judgment (“gaslighting”) and restrict their behavior. Therefore, in order to have a successful conversation with a loved one about their relationship, you'll want to embody the opposite: Your goal should be to show nonjudgmental support for their decisions, confidence in their judgment, and respect for their autonomy – even as you gently point out that their relationship might not be the healthiest.
Yes, it’s a bit of a tightrope to walk. You don’t want to avoid discussing the relationship – but you also don’t want to set off someone’s defenses by being too critical. As a psychologist who specializes in helping people navigate difficult conversations with loved ones, I wrote a book about how regular people can use therapists’ best techniques for talking to their loved ones about change. Here are my suggestions for starting a conversation with a friend or family member about their dysfunctional relationship.
Approach with curiosity. Your assumptions probably aren’t wrong, but they also aren’t helpful. Try to put them aside for the moment. Approach the person with an open mind and an attitude of curiosity. Think of open-ended questions to ask about the relationship. “Have you broken up with that jerk yet?” is not an open-ended question. Ask about recent dates, trips, meals, or holidays you know they spent together. For instance: How was your fourth of July? What are you planning for your anniversary? How is that new restaurant in your neighborhood – have you two tried it yet? You might want to ask some harder questions, too: What is keeping you in the relationship? What would make you decide to end it? Have you noticed any red flags? Is there anything that would stand in your way if you decided to leave?
Listen and reflect. Whether their answers are positive or negative, listen carefully. Don’t compare their experiences to anyone else’s. If they do offer some negative information about their partner, resist the urge to jump in say, “I knew it!” Instead, carefully repeat back what you heard, or offer a summary. You could say, “It sounds like you haven’t been able to go out much lately because Shaun’s moods can be tricky.” If they say something positive, don’t try to convince them they are wrong. Just be happy that they had a nice time (or pretend to be). Even if they are lying, your nonjudgmental support sends the message that they can tell you anything. They might open up more next time.
Voice a specific concern. Try to point to a concrete example of behavior that made you feel worried, rather than a global character judgment like “I don’t trust that guy.” Vague statements are easily deflected (“Oh, don’t worry, he’s so sweet once you get to know him!”). You can say something like, “I was worried because last time I saw you guys, Shaun was drinking a lot and then yelled at you about spending too much money on an Uber.” Or, “It’s so nice to catch up. I haven’t seen you in over a month, and part of me was worried that Shaun didn’t want you hanging out with me.”
Don’t give a long speech. Voice your concern in a sentence or two, and then see how your friend reacts. They might agree with your concern, but don’t be surprised if they minimize or excuse their partner’s behavior. No matter what they say, listen carefully and repeat back what you hear to make sure you got it right. Don’t argue about whether your friend’s perception is right or wrong.
Gas them up. Compliment your friend on their appearance, their talents, and especially their great judgment. Remind them what if feels like to be around someone who loves, accepts, and celebrates them. Express confidence that they will make the right decision about the relationship and that they know what’s best for them – even if you’re struggling to believe that at the moment.
Change the subject. I can pretty much guarantee that you’re not going to convince your friend to break up with their significant other on the spot. Plant the seeds and give them time to grow. Invest time in conversations about lighter topics like jobs, pets, vacations, sports, and TV shows. Remind them how it feels to be around someone who loves and supports them without all the drama.
