South Asian Relationship Status: Complicated

There is a fascinating series on Netflix called Indian Matchmaker, in which a professional matchmaker tries to help young South Asian singles in the U.S. and India find love. While the show is a fun “popcorn watch” for viewers, it is a real pressure cooker for the participants, who are so desperate to find their “perfect” match and have a dream wedding. It highlights the unique value placed on the institution of marriage – cis-heterosexual marriage, to be precise – in South Asian culture.

While the series showcases many positive aspects of Desi (South Asian) cultures, such as family connection, respect for tradition, and celebration of marriage, it also reveals the considerable baggage that the journey towards marriage entails for young South Asians. The expectation of cis-hetero marriage is so stifling it leaves very little room for individual aspirations that may deviate from that model in the slightest.

Parents expect their son or daughter to follow the methodological approach of successful living:

1. Focus on career.
2. Get married at the “right age.”
3. Have children shortly after.

To make things convenient for everyone, there is no dearth of Desi (South Asian) dating apps, matrimonial sites, and matchmakers poised and ready to help young adults find their life partners. Given such access to a plethora of networks, conflict within families abound when a match is not made in a “timely” manner, thus adding to the stress.

According to Erikson’s development theory, college is generally when young adults navigate the conflict between isolation and intimacy. They begin to explore deeper relationships and look for possible future partners. While dating styles have significantly changed over the last decade, with “hookup” culture is a new norm, there is still a strong urge for connection with others.

For South Asian American kids, college is a time to enjoy well-earned freedom, experiment, and find one’s tribe. Many date for fun, some to rebel, and others in the hope of finding their life partner. Some prefer to stay single and focus on academics. Whatever the case, the pressure of marriage, particularly for women, looms in the background, growing more prominent as time goes on.

Interestingly, this pressure exists regardless of significant dysfunction within the parental unit. While some parents may have repressed traumas from their own relationships, they remain in denial as they urge their children towards marriage. Even if parents aren’t insistent on marriage, the pressure can come from well-intentioned family friends – aunties and uncles, as they are called – to inquire incessantly about a child’s relationship status. One can readily imagine the significant toll this can take on mental health.

“My family expects me to find someone soon. They think I am getting too old.” – Monika, 30

The sad truth is that marriage is seen as a status symbol, with married people automatically assuming higher status in South Asian culture than their single counterparts.

South Asians are not seen as full adults until they have attained this station. Notions about marrying while still “young and beautiful” and starting a family are still pervasively held beliefs (Ternaker, 2008). The oldest children are expected to marry first before younger ones, and often younger siblings will wait to commit to a partner until their older sibling is married. Monika was the older child in her family and was often made to feel like a failure in this aspect of her life. She admitted to slipping into a depression and sought therapy to work on her “defective” self-image.

“My mom keeps going on about how all my cousins are getting married, and she gets upset when she sees that I am still single.” – Neha, 36

Comparison is a common tactic often deployed by South Asian families to instill a competitive spirit in their children. It is used to motivate, yet it inevitably backfires, stoking flames of narcissism or extinguishing feelings of confidence, both contributing to self-deprecation.

Though her parents encouraged her career choice to be a scientist, Rashmi’s parents insisted that she “settle down” soon. Her mother was stressed that she was “too old” and would compare her to their friends’ children who were either already married or had kids. Rashmi admitted to having strong issues of jealousy of those who had partners. She expressed feelings of being “behind,” passive death wishes, self-harm, depression, and panic attacks.

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Shortly after, Rashmi relocated to another city for work and finally had some space to think about things. Although distance helped, the emotional burden Rashmi carried still weighed her down.

“My parents wanted me to marry someone in my community.” – Reena, 29

Reena shared that she was never one to “rock the boat” or “go against the grain.” As she entered young adulthood, the expectation from her parents was that she would find someone from their ancestral lineage and caste (the stratification system in India that you are born into). As this was a small group, it made it harder for her to find suitable candidates who fit the bill.

As the pressure began to mount, Reena found herself in a depressive state. She experienced sadness, insomnia, weight loss, anxiety/panic, and a lowered interest in things she usually loved to do. She had difficulty focusing on work, appeared with lower energy, and was more withdrawn with friends.

She talked of having overwhelming guilt as she had no one who could empathize with this issue. Her sister and cousins had all married within the community, and she felt essentially alone. She felt unheard and stated, “It felt as though I was screaming out and no one was hearing me.” Her sister would ask her why she couldn’t just do this one thing for the family.

The final straw came when she broke down in front of her parents, crying inconsolably, and admitted that she might be depressed. She told her parents that she wanted to seek therapy. Her parents’ immediate reactions were fear partly for Reena’s safety and the possible repercussions this would have on her marriage prospects. Fortunately, she was able to seek therapy but was told by her parents to keep it in confidence. She reported that therapy helped her immensely, as she finally had the unconditional support for her feelings that she had been missing.

Reena’s story is not uncommon, surprisingly so, given the times. She expressed her concerns about disappointing her family and failing as a daughter. Eventually, she found a partner she loved and who fit all the specifications her parents prized and went on to live happily ever after. Ironically, her parents were validated in their beliefs about marriage as a solution to all her problems and never recognized how their added pressure contributed to her depression. Regardless, for Reena, it was a win-win, but this is not always the case.

“My parents keep telling me that my mood issues will go away once I get married.” – Priya, 22

Parents and family members often use marriage as a miracle cure. If a single young woman is depressed or has a mental health issue, the suggestion is that marriage will magically fix these issues. There is little consideration of alternative perspectives on marriage.

“My parents want me to get married to an Indian guy. I recently realized I’m gay, so I’m not sure how that’s going to work.” – Kruthi, 20

Kruthi’s main issues stemmed from anxiety around guilt and disappointing her parents. Significant pressure exists for those who identify as LGBTQ+ or gender non-binary and those who enter interracial or interreligious unions, which can wreak havoc on mental health. Stories like Kruthi’s deserve a separate space to be heard and amplified, and I hope to do this justice as I dive deeper into these topics.

Even as times and thoughts are changing given social media, tech, and globalization, there are still very strongly-held beliefs around the institution of marriage, especially for South Asian collectivist communities.

For this discussion, while I focused on hetero cis Indian American women as a starting point, many of the issues are relatable to South Asian women in general and, to some extent, hetero cis men.

Ultimately, it is my continued hope that shedding light on these issues that contribute to mental distress is a first step in the journey towards change and healing.