So, You Think You've Identified the Narcissist in Your Life

Good friends.

Source: Iaconianni family/Wikimedia Commons

In my last post ("How to Detect the Narcissists in Your Life"), I offered some potentially helpful clues to identifying that difficult person in your life as not just toxic or mean or one to avoid, but as in fact narcissistic. I argued that knowing that this person suffers from narcissism and really cannot help themselves when they behave badly helps you deal with them because they become less bothersome in your life. You understand that the problem lies with them and not with you, which, in a very fundamental sense, is relieving and liberating.

I suggested these people would be deeply insecure, unable to celebrate others' successes, and empty in an eerie way. If you took that to heart and started looking at the difficult people in your life, whether they're in your household, were in your immediate family growing up, or are currently in your workplace, you likely started to see them through a new lens.

You might have identified the narcissist. What now?

If the pieces feel like they're falling into place, and this person is seeming more and more like a narcissist, what do you do now? My suggestion is that you check in with very trusted confidantes. If you don't have any, a therapist who is well trained in narcissism will be your best bet.

One idea that can be super helpful is talking to relatives in your extended family who know these very same people, who even grew up with them too, who have wondered the same things as you and made the same observations as you throughout the years. It can feel very risky or scary to reach out to family members because you don't know if they'll say you're being overly sensitive or imagining things or overreacting (all the same things the narcissist-enablers in your family did in fact say to you repeatedly).

But if you can reach out to a sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or in-law whose opinion you trust, who you feel is on the level, who will tell it to you straight, and you have the opportunity to confide in this person about the possible narcissist in your life, it can be extremely therapeutic, validating, and ultimately, freeing.

In my case, a family member actually used the word "narcissistic" before I did and it was very validating to hear that I was seeing things clearly.

Confiding in trusted family members and friends is therapeutic on several levels. First of all, if they're honest and down to earth, they won't gaslight you. They won't say, "Oh, you're overreacting, that's just how she is," or "Get over it," or other unhelpful and hurtful things like that. They will listen. And hear you.

Secondly, if there's common ground—if this person you're confiding in says, "You know, I've noticed these same things you're talking about, my whole family has, everyone knows she's like this," etc., it can be very gratifying that you are OK, you're not nuts, and this person is indeed identified correctly as the problem.

Be careful who you confide in.

Narcissist-enablers will never give you an inch. If they like the status quo and don't want to rock the boat, and perhaps are narcissistic themselves, forget about it. They're not the ones to talk to. Period.

Find people in your life who are more savvy to human nature and how things work between people. Talk to them. They will listen. They will validate your observations about this toxic person in your life. And you will feel better for having done so. Good luck.