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Key points
- The initial shock following rape gradually gives way to a lingering sense of loss among victims.
- Telling a victim to “give it time” trivializes the experience and doesn't resolve the emotional turmoil.
- Recovery is a process based upon honest expressions of feelings within a supportive environment.
Grief is an intense emotional response to a significant personal loss. Psychologists generally describe grief as an “anguished experience” that includes yearning for what was lost, perhaps remorse for what one did or did not do, and apprehensions about the future. Because nearly everyone experiences grief at some point in life, it should not be thought of as a “clinical condition,” but a natural response to loss—one that poses both challenges and opportunities for healing. Grief only becomes harmful when it disrupts one’s ability to function, causes persistent self-neglect, generates thoughts of self-harm, or is powerful enough to compromise one’s immune system.
Although we often attribute grief to the death of a loved one, there can be many other sources of it, including grief connected to sexual trauma, or what might be called rape grief. The initial shock following rape gradually gives way to a lingering sense of loss among victims, the elements of which are rooted in what has been taken away. Consider the kinds of loss a victim of rape may grieve following the assault:
- Loss of one’s sense of safety.
- Loss of one’s feeling of mental and physical well-being.
- Loss of trust in others.
- Loss of one’s ability to resume normal roles (such as going to school or to work).
- Loss of one’s lifestyle.
- Loss of hopes and dreams about the future.
- Loss of power over one’s life.
- Loss of virginity if rape is one’s first “sexual” encounter.
- Loss of interest in physical intimacy.
- Loss of significant relationships, especially if the perpetrator belongs to one’s family or network of friends.
- Loss of one’s sense that the world can be a kind and just place.
- Loss of self-esteem.
The combination and cumulation of such losses produced by rape can generate a deep sadness among victims. The processing of rape grief is not necessarily straightforward. Like the tides, it ebbs and flows and is subject to “triggers” that remind the person of what has been taken away. Also contained within rape grief are conflicting sentiments such as wanting to be alone, yet missing time with friends; wanting to share one’s concerns, yet not wanting to burden others; or feeling fatigue, yet being restless. And like other dimensions of trauma, the grieving person often has difficulty expressing what she is feeling at any given moment.
Misinformed Advice
Unfortunately, much of the well-intentioned advice on how rape victims should process their trauma-related grief reflects myth and folk wisdom. Bad advice on how to cope with rape grief is worrisome because it may create self-doubts in victims that undermine the grieving process. Perhaps the most common misunderstanding about grief is contained in the phrase “Time heals all wounds.” Although it is true that it takes time to process grief, it is the degree of support and acceptance rape victims receive over the long run that shapes their healing. There is nothing magical about time alone that will somehow heal deep feelings of loss. Simply telling a rape victim to “give it time” may trivialize the gravity of what she is experiencing and does not resolve the emotional turmoil associated with loss. Further, telling a rape victim that only time will heal feelings of grief may unintentionally reinforce her feelings of powerlessness. This conveys the message that nothing she or anyone else does will relieve her feelings of loss, that she is ultimately alone in her suffering, and that waiting rather than deliberate action is the only way to cope.
Another misinformed piece of advice for a rape victim struggling with loss is to suggest she “shouldn’t think about it” or “shouldn’t feel that way.” Telling her not to dwell on the rape equates to telling her to bury or ignore powerful feelings. Suppressing or ignoring feelings does not produce resolution, nor does it create an emotional space where she can easily get on with her life. Further, telling a grieving rape survivor not to feel a certain way denies her the right to her true feelings and implies she is somehow inadequate for not rationally controlling her emotional state.
Another piece of misguided folk wisdom about how to deal with rape grief is to tell her to “keep busy.” Immersion into work or other activities does not inevitably cause her to “snap out of it.” Although there can be therapeutic value in maintaining a work or school schedule if accompanied by a proper support system, simply “keeping busy” does not eliminate troublesome thoughts and feelings. Temporary distractions are just that—temporary—and not permanent analgesics for grief.
One final piece of misguided folk wisdom is to suggest that feelings of loss can be resolved by acquiring something new. The obvious problem is that grief caused by rape is not offset by new possessions. Offers of material objects, however well-intended, may be interpreted by her as a crass attempt to buy off her sense of grief, and that having a new object means that now she should “get back to normal.”
Unfortunate Outcomes of Misguided Advice
Misinformed guidance about how a rape victim should deal with her grief can result in several unfortunate outcomes. First, she may experience guilt for feeling or not feeling in a certain way. Second, she may become guarded in expressing to others how she truly feels for fear of being judged or rejected. Finally, suggesting that a rape victim should bury or ignore her feelings may function to confuse her about what she is feeling. Remember, recovery is a process based upon honest expressions of feelings within a supportive environment. Her ability to process grief is enhanced when she is free to be honest with herself and in touch with her true feelings. Denial, guilt, and an inability to share her feelings with others is a recipe for prolonging her sense of loss.
Misguided information regarding how she should deal with rape grief contributes to the possibility that she may act as if she is fully recovered, even though she still grieves. The problem of “acting recovered” can happen because she does not want to burden others with her sadness, nor does she want to feel isolated because others do not know how to respond to her grief. She may also imply that the well-intentioned but problematic suggestions given to her on how to cope are helping, even though they are not. She now is in the awkward position of making others feel better for trying to make her feel better, though her grieving persists. As a result, both she and those who care for her may come to an unspoken understanding that it is easier to “put on a happy face” than to openly confront more complicated emotions.
Among experts in the therapeutic community, there is one thing about grief resolution upon which nearly all agree. It is important for grieving people to have a safe space to express their feelings of loss, and for others to acknowledge those losses. Finding one’s voice to express grief is critical for moving through it. Writing about loss, reading stories about losses others have endured, and talking about one’s grief within the context of a support group are examples of healthy ways to process grief. Such actions help one to gradually step away from the strong emotions caused by what was lost, and then shift focus to the practical aspects of living one’s life again.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
References
Adapted excerpt from When the Subject Is Rape by Alan W. McEvoy, Ph.D. (Square One Publishers) (c) 2023 by Alan W. McEvoy. Used by permission of the publisher.
