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When babies learn how to walk, their parents cheer them on with every misstep. They do not criticize them or give them the “feedback sandwich"—they just clap. When we start learning how to walk in this world, we're not making mistakes but rather we are experimenting and exploring. Whether our choice is right or wrong—there are no mistakes.
As we grow older, we become scared of getting it wrong, of failing, of being ridiculed. So we shy away from mistakes. We try to control everything; we try to be perfect, and that perfectionism is actually a form of self-blocking from creativity.
So we stop experimenting and growing.
Usually, we are taught that mistakes are something bad. In today’s high-tech and entrepreneur world, they say the opposite: “Fail often, fail fast.”
In both cases, though, the word mistake brings negative qualities.
When I taught my kids how to ride their bikes, we said over and over again, “if you’re not falling, you’re not learning.”
A mistake is essentially a “mis-take”
Throughout my studies, I encountered three different disciplines that spoke about mistakes in very different contexts, but related to them in a somewhat similar manner: Theater improvisation (also known as Improv), NLP, and relational psychotherapy.
Improv
One of improv’s rules is “there are no mistakes, only more information.” For example, if I'm starting a scene and I think I am a male character, but my scene partner on stage refers to me as their grandma, that's not a mistake. I just need to use that. I might say “Yep, since the beard implant, I'm looking much more masculine, right?”
These mistakes are actually precious nuggets that challenge improvisers to dig deeper into the spontaneous co-creation of the moment. It demands that both partners be open, positive and respond with "yes, and" to their partner in order to leverage this mistake into a synergistic theatrical delight.
NLP
Neurolinguistic programming (NLP) is a body of knowledge best situated within the framework of coaching. One of its presuppositions is: “There is no failure, just feedback.”
This presupposition was derived from the study of excellence, realizing outliers share certain presuppositions, and this one came up again and again.
Each mistake helps us fine-tune our creative solutions through a feedback loop. This assumption connotes a positive, generative outlook on life (or your current project). For example, Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. When a reporter asked, "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."
Relational psychotherapy
In this stream of psychotherapy, instead of seeing clinical mistakes or “empathic failures,” therapists refer to ruptures and repairs. Ruptures are negative shifts or difficulties in the therapeutic alliance (anything from confusing a client’s name to insulting them with a blunt question). Repairs are moments of authentic, spontaneous responses of both parties that bring aliveness and serve to change the intersubjective, relational field.
Research shows that the most meaningful relationships (in therapy and in life) are full of ruptures are repairs. The process of rupture and repair increases the “fit” of the encounter which results in greater generativity, vitality, and growth.
All three of these disciplines lead to the same conclusion:
- No mistakes, no learning.
- No mistakes, no growth.
- No mistakes, no authentic relationship.
The three reactions to a mis-take
Nachmanovitch in his seminal book “free play” stresses that it’s not the “missed-take” that matters, is how we react to the “mistake” afterward that will determine its effect.
1. The traditional reaction—“I’ve sinned, please forgive me”
You quickly apologize and retreat and hope to never do it again. You feel guilty or get defensive or attack back. This positions you in a "one down" position in relation to your partner. Over time, this approach will move you away from the heat of intimacy and can lead to reactions of flight, freezing, and even dissociating.
2. No big deal
You repeat and amplify your mis-take until it becomes the new pattern. Said otherwise, you dig in and justify the mistake or say "it’s no big deal." This usually creates a "one up" position and generates more hostility with the partner. Over time, this leads to a mode of defensiveness, denial, or offensive dynamic.
3. Leaning into the rupture—“Dare to Repair”
“Drop neither the old pattern nor the new one but discover the unforeseen context that includes both of them.” (Nachmanovitch, 1990, pg. 90).
Leaning into the rupture created by the mis-take may lead to the discovery of a possible new dimension or depth of honesty. In many cases, this option requires that you say the thing and reveal your cards. Acknowledge the mis-take and focus on the future by asking yourself “what comes next? What can I make of this? What kind of a bonus might this be?”
How to celebrate mistakes? How to dare to repair?
It will take time to re-wire your brain, and soften old negative core beliefs about mistakes but it is possible and well worth the effort.
1. Choose to believe that mistakes are unavoidable and essential for learning and growth. But mistakes are inevitable because life is sloppy. Relationships are sloppy. You can't control everything, and sooner or later there will be mis-takes.
2. Lean into the rupture. When a mis-take occurs, open yourself to it. Here are the steps of leaning into the rupture:
a. Own your shadow. Admit to yourself (and then to your partner) that you did this action. If your action caused harm, take responsibility clearly and somewhat playfully.
b. Let it land. Breathe, stay open, and close. Stand up straight. Don’t retreat. Get curious to see what that action can mean about you, the other, or the relationship.
c. Say the thing. Break eye contact and self-disclose what’s happening in you: Start verbalizing a stream of consciousness about why you think this happened, what are you feeling now, what is happening now between you. Ask questions out loud to yourself.
d. Be curious. When you find an interesting thread/thought, ask your partner and see where that takes them.
e. Focus on the future. Instead of feeling regret and remorse, focus to see what is happening now because of this action? What is the consequence? What is the reality that is now occurring? Become curious instead of feeling shame.
3. Create environments. in your life where mistakes are not only allowed, but even celebrated. Encourage experimentation, pushing boundaries, thinking outside the box. You can create such an environment by modeling it yourself—play, explore, dare to repair, own your mis-takes loud and proud. Take a circus bow and see what the reality is like now.
After all, as my wife, Galit Romanelli taught me: “Mistakes are opportunities for creative solutions.”
References
Knight, S. (20205). NLP at Work: The Difference that Makes the Difference. London, UK: Nicholas Brealey.
Knoblauch, S. H. (2001). High-risk, high-gain choices: Commentary on paper by Philip A. Ringstrom. Psychoanalytic Dialogues, 11(5), 785–795.
Madson, P. R. (2005). Improv wisdom: Don't prepare, just show up. New York, NY: Random House.
Nachmanovitch, S. (1990). Free play: Improvisation in life and art. New York, NY: Tarcher.
Renik, O. (1999). Playing one's cards face up in analysis: An approach to the problem of self- disclosure. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 68(4), 521–539.
Safran, J. D., & Muran, J. C. (2000a). Resolving therapeutic alliance ruptures: Diversity and integration. In Session: Psychotherapy in Practice, 56(2), 233–243.
Safran, J. D., Muran, J. C., & Eubanks-Carter, C. (2011). Repairing alliance ruptures. Psychotherapy, 48(1), 80–87.
