The Relational Hero’s Journey

"The adventure of the hero is the adventure of being alive."

Source: Photo by Assael Romanelli

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

"The goal of the hero’s journey is yourself finding yourself." Joseph Campbell

Change is difficult. One famous blueprint for transformation is Joseph Campbell’s The Hero’s Journey. This monomyth outlines a universal pattern found worldwide in tales about human change.

The journey begins with a call to adventure that launches the hero on a journey into the unknown. Through trials, revelations, and transformation, the hero experiences death and rebirth. The hero ultimately returns home with newfound wisdom. For decades, this powerful model has inspired individuals to embark on meaningful change.

But what about changing intimate relationships?

The Journey of the Relational Hero

A long-term committed intimate relationship is a complex, interconnected, and synergistic entity that is constantly evolving. Therefore, systemic change is a multi-faceted endeavor requiring a more nuanced approach.

As couples therapists, we have spent years integrating the hero’s journey with systemic thinking to create a holistic relational blueprint for navigating the challenging terrain of deep, long-lasting relational change. The relational hero is the partner who initiates the process of reimagining the relationship.

There are three major stages to the relational hero’s journey: Departure, initiation, and return.

Separation—Unbalancing

In the separation stage of the hero's journey, the hero answers the call to adventure, leaving behind their familiar world to embark on a quest filled with challenges and uncertainties.

In systemic thinking, the hero must leave the couple’s homeostasis, the relational "dance" that partners co-create and maintain through complementary roles over the years. The dance might be harmonious or conflictual, yet the roles are familiar and set.

In this stage, one partner might be suffering enough to dare for a better dance. They might be bored, have changed and want something else, or perhaps a third element has unbalanced their dance—what we call the three threats to marriage. The protagonist might initially resist the call to change, but sooner or later the losses will outweigh the secondary gains of the current dance, and the protagonist will begin their journey toward their next evolution.

Separation occurs when the hero dares to disrupt the established homeostasis and begins to behave differently. They choose to think, speak, and act in new ways, leading to new ruptures, crises, and tension. Ultimately, they will reach a critical mass—the point of no return—that pushes the couple toward profound, second-order change, transforming the homeostasis or ending the relationship. Once critical mass is reached, the hero enters the initiation stage.

Initiation—Crucible

During the initiation stage, the hero undergoes trials, meets allies, confronts adversaries, and ultimately meets the dragon. The hero might experience death of sorts on the way to profound personal growth or transformation.

The initiation stage of relational change is often the most challenging. Here, the hero embarks on a quest of self-discovery, confronting their shadow selves, recognizing their vulnerabilities, and standing up for what truly matters.

The hero will face resistance from the existing system—ridicule, threats, even possibly psychosomatic illness. Their loved ones, accustomed to the old dynamic, may struggle with the hero's one-sided attempt at change: Such push-back is natural but not insurmountable. Yet, amidst the difficulties, the hero will find allies. A therapist, a new friend, or a wise mentor can become a crucial figure, offering support, guidance, and the tools needed for shedding old habits and developing healthier new patterns.

This phase culminates in confronting the dragon. The dragon could be their partner, a facet of themselves, an internalized (or real) strict parent, an addiction, a deep core belief, or a shadow they've been avoiding. The battle can happen in therapy, in their mind, or in the kitchen. It won’t be pretty or smooth. It is a crusade a person must undergo if they desire a new relationship.

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When done right, the hero is reborn. They will not be the same as before. The hero won’t be able to return to the stable pattern that had served them in the past. Through the process of slaying the dragon, the hero discovered or developed new awareness about themselves and their needs, furthered differentiation that unlocked a deeper level of intimacy, learned to communicate more openly about their needs, and cultivated better ways to regulate themselves. The hero is now ready for their next relationship, but what about their partner?

Return—Renegotiation

In the return stage, the hero returns to their ordinary world, often with newfound wisdom, and integrates their experiences to bring positive change to their community or society.

The relational hero is now ready to choose their partner anew with agency and intention (and not of inertia or comfort). The protagonist is now ready to renegotiate the relationship and reimagine homeostasis. They are primed for mature intimacy and sexuality. They know themselves better, so they want more vulnerability and openness. They are ready for their next marriage.

Now it’s up to their spouse. If the spouse refuses to change or clings to the original dance, then the relationship will end, as the hero is changed and won’t be able to return to the old dynamic. But if their partner agrees to confront themselves and brave their own hero’s journey, the couple will enter a new phase of their relationship with a more collaborative, vital, and synergistic dynamic. This healthier relationship will inspire and impact the wider system and encourage others to set on their journey to healthier relationships.

The relational hero’s journey is a never-ending process, as we are constantly changing and evolving. This roadmap described above can guide you through the challenging but empowering process of systemic change. Lean on it to better equip yourself and your partner for what lies ahead. Invite your partner to journey together on the path toward a better life.

Galit Romanelli is a certified relationship coach, Ph.D.-candidate in gender studies, and co-director of The Potential State.