Respect (or the Lack Thereof) in Relationships

In her memoir Crazy Love, Leslie Morgan Steiner details the intimate partner violence she endured during her first marriage. The violence began before they tied the knot. Her abuser Conor had convinced her to quit her job at the magazine Seventeen and leave New York City.

Only days before their wedding, Steiner was struggling to finish a writing assignment in her small office when her computer froze. Frustrated, she cursed at the computer and slammed a fist on her desk.

The next thing she remembers is Conor storming into her office. To her dismay, she felt him place his hands around her neck:

His hands tightened around my throat. ... My eyes began to water. My body began to writhe involuntarily. Panic spread across my chest. (2009. p. 83)

Source: Karolina Grabowska/Pexels

Just before she passed out, Conor let go and left. Despite her initial shock and fear, Steiner quickly wrote off the "incident" as a "one-off" and went on to marry Conor—a very dangerous man.

Respect Prevents Relationships From Turning Toxic

It is obvious—even from the short quote above by itself—that Steiner and Conor's relationship was extremely toxic. But the worst was still to come.

Once they were married, Conor's physical, emotional, and sexual attacks on Steiner rapidly intensified. He yelled at her, punched her, strangled her, raped her, banged her against walls, broke glass over her face, knocked her down stairs, held a gun to her head, and removed the keys from the ignition on the highway at 60 miles an hour.

Conor's physical, verbal, and sexual attacks on Steiner speak to his complete lack of respect for her.

It is a near-truism that mutual respect is essential for our relationships (romantic or otherwise) to thrive and that a lack of mutual respect can leave our relationships in tatters, or worse.

Despite knowing how important (mutual) respect is for keeping relationships from becoming malignant, most of us would be hard-pressed to say what we mean by respect.

To further complicate matters, more than one kind of respect bears on a relationship's health (or lack thereof). But this raises an intriguing question: Do all relationships (romantic or otherwise) call for the same kind(s) of respect?

Kantian Respect: Respect Owed Equally to All Humans

The answer is no. One kind of respect Conor lacked for Steiner is the kind of respect that is owed to all people, regardless of their achievements, abilities, and qualities. If you harm another person deliberately or carelessly, you violate that person's right to this type of respect.

Respect, in this sense, dates back to the 18th-century philosopher Immanuel Kant. In his works on morality, Kant argued that it's a fundamental moral maxim that all people are owed equal respect in virtue of their shared humanity, irrespective of their achievements, abilities, and qualities.

As I have argued elsewhere, because domestic violence expresses a complete lack of Kantian respect, it is a form of dehumanization (Brogaard, 2020).

Respect as Deep Admiration

But through his nasty words and violent actions, Conor revealed that he also completely lacked other kinds of respect that are equally important for keeping relationships in a decent shape.

Another form of respect that is crucial to preventing relationships from turning toxic is respect in the sense of deep admiration—or holding someone in high esteem. This form of respect is salient in a sentence like:

"I respect her for her unwavering commitment to fighting economic inequality."

Respect as Politeness or Civility

Still another kind of respect that is crucial to keeping relationships civil is respect in the sense of politeness or civility. This form of respect is salient in a sentence like:

"I always try to show respect for others, e.g., saying 'thank you,' 'please,' and holding the door for them."

Conor's verbal, physical, and sexual attacks on Steiner unveiled his complete lack of respect for her, not only a lack of Kantian respect but also of other kinds of respect that are equally essential for preventing a romantic relationship from going sour, or worse.

Apprehensive Respect

In contrast to Conor, Steiner respected her romantic partner in all the ways that matter to preventing a romantic relationship from ending up in ruins, or worse.

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But Steiner lacked a different kind of respect for Conor, which could have helped protect her from his violence. We can call this kind of respect apprehensive respect, as it involves an element of caution or apprehension.

When we encourage others to respect the sea, it is apprehensive respect we have in mind. Similarly, we normally consider it prudent to have apprehensive respect for guns, fireworks, and crocodiles.

But it is equally commendable to adopt an attitude of apprehensive respect toward violent people like Conor, especially if you live with them.

Apprehensive respect can help prevent us from making imprudent choices. If Steiner had cultivated apprehensive respect for Conor in the wake of his first violent attack on her, she might not have married him, despite still being madly in love with him.

There are still other ways that respect can affect the health of relationships (romantic or otherwise). In our next post, we dive into how emotional abusers gain power by making their victims adopt attitudes of deference and apprehensive respect.