Strength-Based Parenting

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Don’t be shy, hug your granny.

Color within the lines, not outside

You are just not paying attention.

These are some of the things we say to our children daily. We intend to help them grow, develop, self-regulate, and adjust well to a social environment.

However, inadvertently, we are also communicating that they are not good enough. They don’t give affection when they should, they can’t color their picture well enough, and something is wrong with their concentration levels—which is all up to them to fix.

This deficit-based parenting is understandable. We want the best for our children, so we keep telling them how the world works and the expectations set upon them to behave in a way acceptable in our society. If we don’t do it, they might get in trouble at school, become rejected by peers, or fall behind in their developmental milestones.

So, our intentions are good. The question is whether there is a better way of making all this happen.

Strength-based parenting ensures that children learn how the world works and the expectations set on them by society. It helps children grow, but it does it through their strengths. Instead of sending a message, “You are lacking” or “You are not enough,” strength-based parenting sends a message that says, “You have unique strengths I admire” and “You have what it takes to get the results you want.”

Strength-based parenting helps children to understand what they are good at and amplify it. It involves parents discussing children’s strengths when winning and struggling with life. It helps them tap into their psychological resources when required.

Most important, it is an excellent way for children to feel recognized by their parents, and to know they are “seen” by them, which also improves their relationship.

With the new school year coming up, strength-based parenting can assist you in helping your child belong. School belonging is essential in maintaining young people’s health and well-being. When children belong, they are less likely to refuse to go to school and more likely to enjoy school and develop friendships.

To date, the best predictor for school belonging is children’s relationship with a teacher and their characteristics. However, our research showed that children of parents who practice strength-based parenting are more likely to feel they belong in school. As such, by practicing strength-based parenting, you can help your child feel like they belong to it.

In addition to this, strength-based parenting is associated with perseverance, school engagement, and higher academic performance. It is as if knowing what they are good at makes children amplify their qualities and shoot for the stars.

This in turn could also help them with belonging. More importantly, it helps them develop life skills as they are more likely to be optimistic about their future and feel more grateful for what they have. This explains why this type of parenting is so crucial to helping us create good people in the world.

Here is an activity that can help you begin the journey of strength-based parenting.

Strength Spotting and Amplifying

Sit down and reflect on your children’s strengths. What are they good at? What makes them energized and excited? What do others praise them for? What do you admire about them? What is their superpower?

Now, select one strength a week for each child. This could be their conscientiousness, kindness, leadership, persistence, or any other strengths you’ve noticed. Observe your child during the following week and reflect on the situations in which they used their strength.

Then, at the end of the week, sit down with your child and tell them of the strength you admire in them and give them examples of how they used their strength last week. Continue giving them your feedback as you catch them in action while they use their strength.

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Introduce a chat about strengths as part of your regular parenting conversation. When they struggle, ask them how they can use their strength to achieve what they want. When they do something wrong, ask them what strength they could use next time or how to use it differently to get different results.

Alternatively, ask them what strength they have overused that may have caused an issue. After all, too much of a good thing can make things worse.

So replace, “Don’t be shy, hug your granny” with “It is wise to take your time and give affection only when you feel comfortable;” replace, “Colour within the lines, not outside” with “I like that you have used so many new colors in this picture;” finally, replace, “You are just not paying attention” with “What is so special about that other activity that it makes you pay so much attention?”

Make your strength-based parenting part of your daily life. By shining the light on your children’s strengths, you are helping them create a pathway to support them in becoming the best versions of themselves.

This makes strength-based parenting your superpower.